Big step here I come

So I know I have been a very bad girl recently and honestly I don’t know if that will change anytime soon..I started school back and trying to balance working full time for a big corporate company, having a boyfriend and going to school full time is ridiculously hard. I love it but it’s certainly a test of discipline.

So since last time I have been to Chicago for a festival with gman and although I mentioned his ex was going to be there, we didn’t even see her…success.. We had a great time, we were extremely dirty and tired after each day but it was SO worth it!! We saw bands like The Flaming Lips, David Grey, Kid Cudi, Michael Franti and Spearhead, SOJA, soulive, ofcourse DMB and sooo many others I can’t even think of them at the moment. Although we had a great time at the festival itself, Chicago was not a very impressive city to me…and frankly I would never go back, unless it was for work and I was forced.

Also big step with the boy…as I have earlier mentioned my discontent with the fact that he shared his dog with his ex in some odd custody split….he has since let her keep the dog for good and there is no more sharing! Woot woot. It sucks that the dog couldn’t go to him because I knew he is really upset about it, which I understand because I just went through that situation with my ex, but something had to give. It was getting a little ridiculous for me at least. Anywho, that’s over and done with no reason to keep talking junk about it and the situation!

I started school and I will only have 1 more semester after this one to get my bachelors and I am more than ecstatic!! I. Can’t. Freaking. Wait.

Gman and I have talked about moving in together and I think we might do it…My lease is up in about a month and we are with each other just about every day and spend the night at one house or the other every night. It just makes sense financially and he wants to be closer to the city than where he is now. I am totally on board with this, but I am scared SHITLESS!! I have never lived with a boy besides the ex and that only happened out of necessity when it did originally happen. I really hope this all works and I am being a little scardy cat bitch for nothing.

Ohhh there is another sexy girl in one of my classes and I really feel like a creep talking about girls in a sexual way…and I am not really sure why I do talk about them in a sexual way, I have never had any interaction with another girl…so I don’t even know what I’m talking about! :-/ but she is in one of my classes and she again has long dark brown hair, tan, and has a lip piercing. Those damn lip piercings are so hot and get me every time! I am not going to try to pursue her or anything, but she does sit by me every class if that counts for anything! :-p

So that’s that…Maybe I’ll write again tomorrow…Maybe not…

Maybe I’ll have some amazing sexy threesome story to tell you guys….maybe not…

Maybe I’ll just tell you guys about the hot sex I’m having with gman….maybe not…

 

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Life, Love and Happiness…Oh and maaybe some sex

What is life? What does this all mean? What do I want from all of this?

I want so much, just like anyone else in the world.

I want to succeed in my academics, profession, relationship, friendship and most importantly at life. I want to make my parents proud and my future kids proud, I also want to be proud of what I have accomplished.

But as I have been thinking more and more of what I want from life, where do I want to be in 1 year, 5 years or hell 20 years(ohh god that’s scary)? The answer to this question is I have no fucking clue. I haven’t the slightest idea of what I want that will make me happy until the ripe age of 65. This scares me more than anything. If I don’t know this now…When will I know? How do I figure this out?

Why do some people know exactly what they want as soon as they come out of the womb? Some people don’t figure it out in their eye-opening years of college…well in that case…IT’S MY FUCKING TURN!!

And that’s another thing…I haven’t lead the normal college life and I blame that for not knowing what I want out of life. I have been focused on making money to pay bills for far too long. It really makes me depressed at times because I hear all these amazing drunken shenanigans that people do/have done in college and I haven’t done any of this. Sure I had my fun in high school with the normal house parties, keg parties,  sneaking out, using a fake ID, etc…. But I want college fun. I want to live in a dorm and walk to class hungover and half awake.  I want to do stupid shit that I will more than likely regret the next morning. I want to have a drunken threesome with some of my dorm mates. I want to only have enough money in my bank account to buy booze and maybe a McDonald’s jr. cheeseburger. I want so many things that are associated with college living…

But what am I doing? Living on my own, paying all my own bills, just bought a new car, working a hectic 40+ hour a week job, going to school full-time and basically living a boring adult life…and failing miserably at it.

I’m torn between being slightly proud of myself for being only 21 and making a considerable amount of money already, paying for all my own shit and being more or less independent….and not living a fulfilling completely irresponsible life.

And I know… “Chelsea the answer is simple….just quit your job, get a job serving downtown near college, sleep until 3pm and do whatever the fuck I want to do!” Oh my gosh…that sounds fucking amazing.

But how about no.

Off the topic of me talking about my feelings *yuck*. Gman and I have never really had an awkward moments during sex or foreplay..nothing besides the normal queef…which for some reason makes me giggle when that happens…probably not so much a turn on haha.

So sometimes my vagina gets tired and stop lubricating itself mid- sex…I mean damn…give her a break…with all the foreplay and penetration…she just needs a little break every now and then.(if that last sentence didn’t make me seem like a major nympho then you have very low standards). So this is when gman and I use some lube, we have only used lube maybe 2 times before this incident. Fumbling around in the drawer next to my bed without looking at what I was picking up.

Back up a minute— About a month or 2 ago I went to the store and bought this sample pack of cute looking lube bottles. There were 6. I thought lube was lube was lube…oh Boy was I wrong.

So I give gman a bottle that I grab from the drawer. He opens it…puts it on the outside of my vagina and starts to put it on the tip of his penis. I felt it getting very warm and I just thought that’s what it was supposed to feel like. He put his penis inside me and thrusts a couple of times and then we both realize it was fucking BURNING! We both jump out of the bed and get into the shower!!

Lesson learned: Lube isn’t lube isn’t lube.

I want to be domesticated!

I want to be a housewife.
I need to find a husband who wants to let me stay home. I need to stop working…for the sake of my sanity. My job drives me crazy! The people I work with drive me crazy, the people who come into my job to get assistance drive me crazy.

I want a cute little house, with some cute little kids running around in it, with me being mommy and housewife. I can do that. I will make dinner, and clean and be the perfect housewife!

I do realize this would probably get old after a while. I would still want to work just not as much as I do now, for supplemental income and to get myself out of the house. I would like to volunteer more of my time to certain charities, so my time would not be wasted.

 

Gman is away visiting his family in CT at the moment and he has been there since Friday. UGGGH. I miss him terribly and I can’t wait to see him on Thursday!

I suck so much in school right now. I hate it. I have never done this bad in my life. This is the most frustrating thing.

Diamonds on the inside

So I am officially terrible at school. I have 1 test and 2 quizzes tomorrow….and I am writing a post for my blog…FML. My mind just has a million things going on at the moment. (I think) I am generally a really happy, easy going person. Lately I have felt so on edge and my doctor prescribed me xanax to help me out when I needed it….which is right now.

This is when most people should just hit the back button and read someone elses shit….this is just going to be me bitching for the next 3 minutes or so. shit at work is stressing me out, school is really stressing me out, my relationship with gman is stressing me out, my old relationship with the ex is stressing me out…GRRRR. Generally I can take all these stresses and deal with them…generally, I am pretty good at not talking about things and hiding them and putting on a front for everyone. that’s GENERALLY…not right now. I just feel the need to stay in bed all day and cry. I think I might be coming close to my threshold.

we are about to launch the iphone at work…so everything must be perfect, there are 5 emails coming out telling me the same thing, there are meetings in the office telling me what the 5 emails said, then there is a 730am meetings to tell me what the 5 emails and the meetings in the office told me. I FUCKING GET IT! do my fucking job, be nice and sell a bunch of shit…enough said, stop fucking stressing me out about it.

I have ADD and cant always concentrate on shit that I need to concentrate on, good example is right now. I can concentrate when I come home from school and I especially cant concentrate in class….this stresses me out about school…I feel like I have selective ADD…In the classes that I really like I can soak up everything, neurobiology is the shit and I can tell you whatever you want to know about it. everything else is toast…forget about it. not so good for tests and actually attending class.

I want gman to like me, really like me. there are so many things I don’t know about him and he doesn’t know about me. i know these things come in time. i am afraid he is going to bring up the relationship talk soon…I’m not fucking ready for that, or atleast I don’t think I am….I don’t know what I want, I want him…to be mine and only mine, that’s what I want. he has already mentioned he sees us as “exclusive”….fine, I have no interest in anyone else, oddly enough i don’t even think about other guys sexually…am I fucking normal? I feel like I may talk to him about stuff in my life too much, like the recent break up and I need to stop being so needy….I probably am overloading him with my problems and I might even be overlooking his, I don’t even know if he wants to talk about his problems…so i don’t want to push and ask questions if he doesn’t want to talk. I also don’t want to become boring to him….i am not that exciting of a person. I also don’t want him to become bored with me sexually…obviously not my strong suite in life.

He also has a blog Click me and is not a chicken like me and he has given me his URL so I can follow him…I have not given him this address, although he accidentally stumbled upon and says he did away with it because I asked him not to look. he wrote a post about me and it made me soo happy. He is such a sweetheart. I just have this block up and I feel like I shouldn’t be happy…why should I when the ex is so hurt by what I did.

ughhh the whole ex problem…enough said about that.

I need serenity in my life right now. I feel as if I might be complaining far too much, there are so many people with valid concerns about their lives(ie. not having enough money to buy food, homeless, teenage pregnancies, spousal beatings, etc.) and I am only bitching about things that I am fortunate enough to have(ie. schooling, a job, people who love me(the ex), friends)

This is when I miss the ex the most…I want someone to sleep with tonight, I want someone to talk to(even if he never listened….probably quite valid considering I just rambled and bitched about stuff that is of no significance)

Girl on girl perhaps?

As you can see from the previous entry, I am a Steelers fan!! and I am absolutely overrun with joy that they beat the jets and are now going to the one and only SUPERBOWL!! WOOT WOOT!!

No news on the ex at the moment. We haven’t talked in days, and sometimes I really miss a lot of things about him, but it seems to get easier and easier as time goes by. I think I miss the idea of being comfortable with/around him and his family, I don”t think I miss the whole idea of us being together. There are many nights when I am upset because I am alone and ask myself if I made the right decision. I can’t want to be with him because he is in my comfort zone, I need to want to be with him because I want to and I am in love with him. (wow have fun reading that one and understanding it)…That just isn’t the case, so when I logically think about it, I did make the right decision. 🙂

 

In class today(neurobiology–my most favorite class of them all), I noticed this girl. She has dark brown/black hair, a lip ring(studded not circular), and she is very petite. She really got my attention and for the duration of class I could do nothing but stare at her. she is gorgeous. I have never been with a girl or had tendencies to be with a girl(besides wanting to have a threesome, which the idea is fun for everyone! 🙂 ). I have no clue what is going on in my head. Literally  just looking at her turned me on. I don’t even know how to handle this. I know I’m not a lesbian, I love penis waaaaay to much!! I have conlcuded that I am going to sit by her next class and strike up a conversation and see where it goes from there.

 

Then it all sets in as I’m walking from class to my car. I don’t know how to do anything with another girl. I don’t know how to finger a girl, I don’t know how to touch her, I mean I guess I do it to myself so it would basically be the same thing, but that’s a weird thought to have. The vagina is such a weird thing. I don’t really even like my own vagina…how could I touch and play with someone else’s?!

I got my package from the sex store that I ordered from! The outfit was not as cute in person as it was on the computer screen…that’s ok, Ill work with it though. This is another awkward thing for me. I can’t wait to wear it for him, how do I put it on? what do I do when I put it on, I’m not comfortable with the idea of role playing, although I’m sure he would make it comfy and easy. hmmm I just don’t know. I will have to let you know how this all plays out.

 

Also I went to the Aluminum Show with gman this weekend. It was fun, we went to dinner afterward and then back to his place. It was fun. The Aluminum show was a blast, if you have the chance to do it, I recommend it! It’s definitely different than anything I have done. When cirque de solieu(not sure how to spell that exactly :/) comes to Charleston, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to go. We’ll see!

 

Im going to goo look up some stuff about my lesbian tendencies.

Thalamus, LGN, Lateral Ventricles

School started back last week and today was the first day I actually went. I had the flu last week and i missed a ton of work and the first 2 days of classes. school seems hopeful and I am excited to have some structure in my life. I am taking a neurobiology course and I am soo intrigued by the brain and all its structures, this class is going to kick my ass.

I went this website that G-man showed to me and I ordered an outfit(a sexy secretary outfit), massaging lotion and a garter. I am soooo excited to wear it for him.

I really fucking like this guy and cant stand the fact that his ex is still in his life. I need to show more compassion towards his situation…but its so difficult. I want to not be that jealous girl.

G-man is from Connecticut, so he really isn’t my ideal southern gentleman, but I surprisingly like him anyways. I have always envisioned guys who open doors for me, woe me with flowers and nice compliments, take me out to nice places, say y’all, aren’t afraid to get down and dirty, etc, etc. He is extremely nice to me and compliments me all the time and we haven’t really had time/ the situation hasn’t been ideal to go out, but I’m sure he would take me out to nice places if he could. he makes fun of (all in good fun) me for the “southern” words that I say, and come to find out hes not much of an outdoors man. I can deal with all these things, I like these things about him…i actually love these things about him.

I am afraid to really like him. I don’t know what to do in this situation. I have never dated anyone except the boyfriend I have had since my freshman year of high school….I don’t know how to act!!!!

no good sex stories….just yet 😉