Am I a lesbian!?!


When I watch porn I prefer to watch girl on girl and I really like when a guy is eating a girl out. That gets me going more than anything!! Does this make me bi-sexual??

Gman and I went to a concert this Saturday at a place called The Pour House on James Island. We got a couple drinks  and we were just listening to some good music (Jeff Coffin from Dave Matthews Band was playing) and dancing around a little bit. There was this girl who was slightly intoxicated and she was really getting into the music. She had brown hair and she was BEAUTIFUL (the girl from the neurobiology class still has me…but this girl totally would have done the job)…let me remind you that I have never done 1 thing with a girl, but lately I have been really feeling more drawn to initiating a threesome with gman!

DISCLAIMER: Penis will always be my favorite…just trying to be a little more adventurous.

On a non-sexual note, I just played soccer tonight after 3 years of not even touching a soccer ball. major FAIL….I was exhausted after about 5 minutes, and don’t get me wrong, the people that were also playing weren’t amazing or anything, but it’s uber frustrating when you know your potential and just keep fucking everything up. I played soccer for about 11 years of my life and am not a star but I know the game…..OH well….guess I’ll be practicing more in the coming weeks! YIPPPEEEE

Gman really does make me sooo happy. I love being with him more than anything. He is such an nice guy and tries so hard to be nice to me, think of me when hes doing stuff(getting lunch, coffee in the mornings, etc)…I’m getting over the ex stuff with him more and more everyday. I feel like if I am jealous about it and complain about shit all the time then it will only make him resent me and possibly not want to even be with me because I can’t accept the fact that he talks to his ex. If he wanted to be with her then he would have done so within the past 2 years….and he didn’t, so I need to trust him and his decisions. I need to put myself in his shoes, but on the same note he needs to put himself in my shoes every once in a while too…I get jealous and that’s a completely natural reaction to have…I just need to control it!!

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Diamonds on the inside

So I am officially terrible at school. I have 1 test and 2 quizzes tomorrow….and I am writing a post for my blog…FML. My mind just has a million things going on at the moment. (I think) I am generally a really happy, easy going person. Lately I have felt so on edge and my doctor prescribed me xanax to help me out when I needed it….which is right now.

This is when most people should just hit the back button and read someone elses shit….this is just going to be me bitching for the next 3 minutes or so. shit at work is stressing me out, school is really stressing me out, my relationship with gman is stressing me out, my old relationship with the ex is stressing me out…GRRRR. Generally I can take all these stresses and deal with them…generally, I am pretty good at not talking about things and hiding them and putting on a front for everyone. that’s GENERALLY…not right now. I just feel the need to stay in bed all day and cry. I think I might be coming close to my threshold.

we are about to launch the iphone at work…so everything must be perfect, there are 5 emails coming out telling me the same thing, there are meetings in the office telling me what the 5 emails said, then there is a 730am meetings to tell me what the 5 emails and the meetings in the office told me. I FUCKING GET IT! do my fucking job, be nice and sell a bunch of shit…enough said, stop fucking stressing me out about it.

I have ADD and cant always concentrate on shit that I need to concentrate on, good example is right now. I can concentrate when I come home from school and I especially cant concentrate in class….this stresses me out about school…I feel like I have selective ADD…In the classes that I really like I can soak up everything, neurobiology is the shit and I can tell you whatever you want to know about it. everything else is toast…forget about it. not so good for tests and actually attending class.

I want gman to like me, really like me. there are so many things I don’t know about him and he doesn’t know about me. i know these things come in time. i am afraid he is going to bring up the relationship talk soon…I’m not fucking ready for that, or atleast I don’t think I am….I don’t know what I want, I want him…to be mine and only mine, that’s what I want. he has already mentioned he sees us as “exclusive”….fine, I have no interest in anyone else, oddly enough i don’t even think about other guys sexually…am I fucking normal? I feel like I may talk to him about stuff in my life too much, like the recent break up and I need to stop being so needy….I probably am overloading him with my problems and I might even be overlooking his, I don’t even know if he wants to talk about his problems…so i don’t want to push and ask questions if he doesn’t want to talk. I also don’t want to become boring to him….i am not that exciting of a person. I also don’t want him to become bored with me sexually…obviously not my strong suite in life.

He also has a blog Click me and is not a chicken like me and he has given me his URL so I can follow him…I have not given him this address, although he accidentally stumbled upon and says he did away with it because I asked him not to look. he wrote a post about me and it made me soo happy. He is such a sweetheart. I just have this block up and I feel like I shouldn’t be happy…why should I when the ex is so hurt by what I did.

ughhh the whole ex problem…enough said about that.

I need serenity in my life right now. I feel as if I might be complaining far too much, there are so many people with valid concerns about their lives(ie. not having enough money to buy food, homeless, teenage pregnancies, spousal beatings, etc.) and I am only bitching about things that I am fortunate enough to have(ie. schooling, a job, people who love me(the ex), friends)

This is when I miss the ex the most…I want someone to sleep with tonight, I want someone to talk to(even if he never listened….probably quite valid considering I just rambled and bitched about stuff that is of no significance)

Girl on girl perhaps?

As you can see from the previous entry, I am a Steelers fan!! and I am absolutely overrun with joy that they beat the jets and are now going to the one and only SUPERBOWL!! WOOT WOOT!!

No news on the ex at the moment. We haven’t talked in days, and sometimes I really miss a lot of things about him, but it seems to get easier and easier as time goes by. I think I miss the idea of being comfortable with/around him and his family, I don”t think I miss the whole idea of us being together. There are many nights when I am upset because I am alone and ask myself if I made the right decision. I can’t want to be with him because he is in my comfort zone, I need to want to be with him because I want to and I am in love with him. (wow have fun reading that one and understanding it)…That just isn’t the case, so when I logically think about it, I did make the right decision. 🙂

 

In class today(neurobiology–my most favorite class of them all), I noticed this girl. She has dark brown/black hair, a lip ring(studded not circular), and she is very petite. She really got my attention and for the duration of class I could do nothing but stare at her. she is gorgeous. I have never been with a girl or had tendencies to be with a girl(besides wanting to have a threesome, which the idea is fun for everyone! 🙂 ). I have no clue what is going on in my head. Literally  just looking at her turned me on. I don’t even know how to handle this. I know I’m not a lesbian, I love penis waaaaay to much!! I have conlcuded that I am going to sit by her next class and strike up a conversation and see where it goes from there.

 

Then it all sets in as I’m walking from class to my car. I don’t know how to do anything with another girl. I don’t know how to finger a girl, I don’t know how to touch her, I mean I guess I do it to myself so it would basically be the same thing, but that’s a weird thought to have. The vagina is such a weird thing. I don’t really even like my own vagina…how could I touch and play with someone else’s?!

I got my package from the sex store that I ordered from! The outfit was not as cute in person as it was on the computer screen…that’s ok, Ill work with it though. This is another awkward thing for me. I can’t wait to wear it for him, how do I put it on? what do I do when I put it on, I’m not comfortable with the idea of role playing, although I’m sure he would make it comfy and easy. hmmm I just don’t know. I will have to let you know how this all plays out.

 

Also I went to the Aluminum Show with gman this weekend. It was fun, we went to dinner afterward and then back to his place. It was fun. The Aluminum show was a blast, if you have the chance to do it, I recommend it! It’s definitely different than anything I have done. When cirque de solieu(not sure how to spell that exactly :/) comes to Charleston, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to go. We’ll see!

 

Im going to goo look up some stuff about my lesbian tendencies.