Some things will never be the same

Well boys are stupid and lie about stupid shit for no reason. Maybe we (gman and I) should have never moved in together, it would be a lot easier to leave. I told him I loved him a couple of days ago and that is the HARDEST thing for me to do… I think love is such a strong “forever” word and I just didn’t want to say it to him until I really meant it. I did really mean it, but now I am second guessing everything.

I work for a corporate cell phone company and decided to look into some things and I found out gman was texting his ex on new years eve… 21 times there was a text exchange..hmm and he did not even slightly mention this occurrence to me. Sure there are about a million harmless things that can be exchanged via 21 texts but apparently it was “not important enough” to tell me about it. so THAT pisses me off. what the fuck.

I want to do something so dramatic that he really thinks about things from here on out…If I had the time and resources I would take all my shit from his house in a uhaul truck, leave this house and not come back for a week or two. I would not respond to his texts or calls just to show him what it feels like.

 

Im almost sorry that I told him that I loved him…he obviously doesn’t love me enough to tell me insignificant things like he talked to his Goddamn ex for an hour and a half…

fucker.

Big step here I come

So I know I have been a very bad girl recently and honestly I don’t know if that will change anytime soon..I started school back and trying to balance working full time for a big corporate company, having a boyfriend and going to school full time is ridiculously hard. I love it but it’s certainly a test of discipline.

So since last time I have been to Chicago for a festival with gman and although I mentioned his ex was going to be there, we didn’t even see her…success.. We had a great time, we were extremely dirty and tired after each day but it was SO worth it!! We saw bands like The Flaming Lips, David Grey, Kid Cudi, Michael Franti and Spearhead, SOJA, soulive, ofcourse DMB and sooo many others I can’t even think of them at the moment. Although we had a great time at the festival itself, Chicago was not a very impressive city to me…and frankly I would never go back, unless it was for work and I was forced.

Also big step with the boy…as I have earlier mentioned my discontent with the fact that he shared his dog with his ex in some odd custody split….he has since let her keep the dog for good and there is no more sharing! Woot woot. It sucks that the dog couldn’t go to him because I knew he is really upset about it, which I understand because I just went through that situation with my ex, but something had to give. It was getting a little ridiculous for me at least. Anywho, that’s over and done with no reason to keep talking junk about it and the situation!

I started school and I will only have 1 more semester after this one to get my bachelors and I am more than ecstatic!! I. Can’t. Freaking. Wait.

Gman and I have talked about moving in together and I think we might do it…My lease is up in about a month and we are with each other just about every day and spend the night at one house or the other every night. It just makes sense financially and he wants to be closer to the city than where he is now. I am totally on board with this, but I am scared SHITLESS!! I have never lived with a boy besides the ex and that only happened out of necessity when it did originally happen. I really hope this all works and I am being a little scardy cat bitch for nothing.

Ohhh there is another sexy girl in one of my classes and I really feel like a creep talking about girls in a sexual way…and I am not really sure why I do talk about them in a sexual way, I have never had any interaction with another girl…so I don’t even know what I’m talking about! :-/ but she is in one of my classes and she again has long dark brown hair, tan, and has a lip piercing. Those damn lip piercings are so hot and get me every time! I am not going to try to pursue her or anything, but she does sit by me every class if that counts for anything! :-p

So that’s that…Maybe I’ll write again tomorrow…Maybe not…

Maybe I’ll have some amazing sexy threesome story to tell you guys….maybe not…

Maybe I’ll just tell you guys about the hot sex I’m having with gman….maybe not…

 

Life, Love and Happiness…Oh and maaybe some sex

What is life? What does this all mean? What do I want from all of this?

I want so much, just like anyone else in the world.

I want to succeed in my academics, profession, relationship, friendship and most importantly at life. I want to make my parents proud and my future kids proud, I also want to be proud of what I have accomplished.

But as I have been thinking more and more of what I want from life, where do I want to be in 1 year, 5 years or hell 20 years(ohh god that’s scary)? The answer to this question is I have no fucking clue. I haven’t the slightest idea of what I want that will make me happy until the ripe age of 65. This scares me more than anything. If I don’t know this now…When will I know? How do I figure this out?

Why do some people know exactly what they want as soon as they come out of the womb? Some people don’t figure it out in their eye-opening years of college…well in that case…IT’S MY FUCKING TURN!!

And that’s another thing…I haven’t lead the normal college life and I blame that for not knowing what I want out of life. I have been focused on making money to pay bills for far too long. It really makes me depressed at times because I hear all these amazing drunken shenanigans that people do/have done in college and I haven’t done any of this. Sure I had my fun in high school with the normal house parties, keg parties,  sneaking out, using a fake ID, etc…. But I want college fun. I want to live in a dorm and walk to class hungover and half awake.  I want to do stupid shit that I will more than likely regret the next morning. I want to have a drunken threesome with some of my dorm mates. I want to only have enough money in my bank account to buy booze and maybe a McDonald’s jr. cheeseburger. I want so many things that are associated with college living…

But what am I doing? Living on my own, paying all my own bills, just bought a new car, working a hectic 40+ hour a week job, going to school full-time and basically living a boring adult life…and failing miserably at it.

I’m torn between being slightly proud of myself for being only 21 and making a considerable amount of money already, paying for all my own shit and being more or less independent….and not living a fulfilling completely irresponsible life.

And I know… “Chelsea the answer is simple….just quit your job, get a job serving downtown near college, sleep until 3pm and do whatever the fuck I want to do!” Oh my gosh…that sounds fucking amazing.

But how about no.

Off the topic of me talking about my feelings *yuck*. Gman and I have never really had an awkward moments during sex or foreplay..nothing besides the normal queef…which for some reason makes me giggle when that happens…probably not so much a turn on haha.

So sometimes my vagina gets tired and stop lubricating itself mid- sex…I mean damn…give her a break…with all the foreplay and penetration…she just needs a little break every now and then.(if that last sentence didn’t make me seem like a major nympho then you have very low standards). So this is when gman and I use some lube, we have only used lube maybe 2 times before this incident. Fumbling around in the drawer next to my bed without looking at what I was picking up.

Back up a minute— About a month or 2 ago I went to the store and bought this sample pack of cute looking lube bottles. There were 6. I thought lube was lube was lube…oh Boy was I wrong.

So I give gman a bottle that I grab from the drawer. He opens it…puts it on the outside of my vagina and starts to put it on the tip of his penis. I felt it getting very warm and I just thought that’s what it was supposed to feel like. He put his penis inside me and thrusts a couple of times and then we both realize it was fucking BURNING! We both jump out of the bed and get into the shower!!

Lesson learned: Lube isn’t lube isn’t lube.

Quickie

Gman and I went to the zoo today in a city about an hour away from where I live…. It was amazing…the whole day, once we got back into town we went to Red’s Icehouse (for some crablegs!) and then came back to my place to watch tv for a little bit!! I had soo much fun with him and I am soooo fucking happy to be with him! I’m glad I have him and I can spend as much time as I do with him! He is so perfect in every single way. I really hope this works out!!! I really hope his stupid ex and my stupid jealousy don’t ruin this for me!

I also look back on some of the post I have been writing and a lot of it is about me liking girls…and I kind of feel bad for leaving gman (who is a HUGE part of my life right now) out of the mix. Everything is PERFECT with him…in the bed and out and I want to stress that as much as possible!!

Am I a lesbian!?!


When I watch porn I prefer to watch girl on girl and I really like when a guy is eating a girl out. That gets me going more than anything!! Does this make me bi-sexual??

Gman and I went to a concert this Saturday at a place called The Pour House on James Island. We got a couple drinks  and we were just listening to some good music (Jeff Coffin from Dave Matthews Band was playing) and dancing around a little bit. There was this girl who was slightly intoxicated and she was really getting into the music. She had brown hair and she was BEAUTIFUL (the girl from the neurobiology class still has me…but this girl totally would have done the job)…let me remind you that I have never done 1 thing with a girl, but lately I have been really feeling more drawn to initiating a threesome with gman!

DISCLAIMER: Penis will always be my favorite…just trying to be a little more adventurous.

On a non-sexual note, I just played soccer tonight after 3 years of not even touching a soccer ball. major FAIL….I was exhausted after about 5 minutes, and don’t get me wrong, the people that were also playing weren’t amazing or anything, but it’s uber frustrating when you know your potential and just keep fucking everything up. I played soccer for about 11 years of my life and am not a star but I know the game…..OH well….guess I’ll be practicing more in the coming weeks! YIPPPEEEE

Gman really does make me sooo happy. I love being with him more than anything. He is such an nice guy and tries so hard to be nice to me, think of me when hes doing stuff(getting lunch, coffee in the mornings, etc)…I’m getting over the ex stuff with him more and more everyday. I feel like if I am jealous about it and complain about shit all the time then it will only make him resent me and possibly not want to even be with me because I can’t accept the fact that he talks to his ex. If he wanted to be with her then he would have done so within the past 2 years….and he didn’t, so I need to trust him and his decisions. I need to put myself in his shoes, but on the same note he needs to put himself in my shoes every once in a while too…I get jealous and that’s a completely natural reaction to have…I just need to control it!!

sex, sex and more sex!

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He pushes me on the floor next to the couch and crawls on top of me. kissing my neck and collar bone and nibbling all the areas in between. He pulls my shirt up and starts rubbing and kissing my stomach. He jerks me up from the floor and carries my upstairs to the bedroom. as he undresses me he takes the shirt i was wearing and ties my arms behind my back. OH MY GOD….I WANT THIS!! He rips my pants off and starts playing around the outside of my vagina (I fucking love when he uses his hands inside me. He is sooo fucking good at it) While my hands are still tied up behind me he goes down on my and starts licking my vagina and puts his fingers deep inside me, doing whatever he does with his fingers, I am truly in heaven… holyjesus.. The whole session was amazing and he ended up fucking me while he was on top, he did all the work and I felt sooo refreshed afterwards.

 

The night before he came over to my place and we had sex in my shower! I also love shower sex! It didn’t last long in the shower and we ended up on my bed! God this guy is amazing. Sex doesn’t feel like a chore or obligation with him. I fucking love it.

Gman got me fucking flowers this morning! MUAHAHAH fucking flowers. They were beautiful

So the picture didn’t turn out so great once I uploaded it to this site…hmm I am probably doing  something wrong! Sorrry!

 

And also gman and I are hanging out tomorrow motherfuckers!! what what! He asked me last week if I wanted to do something and then we made plans about what to do yesterday! we are making dinner together at his place after we get off work! Just keeping it low key 🙂

He makes me so happy! I love hanging out with him and I love making him happy! If I am so happy with him I wonder why I still feel depressed about the ex sometime. Grr its so frustrating. I know he is living at a place where its a constant party and I know he hates that. He’s also a pretty clean person and the place where he is living is also really messy and gets dirty quickly, and I know he hates that too. I feel so bad for him. I feel like this is all my fault! I also miss my dog so much its ridiculous.. I think about him every day. I wish I could have my dog back 😦 I know I don’t have the time for him right now though and I know he is probably always being played with over there.

Doin’ the DIIRRTYY

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so I’ve seen some other bloggers making “life lists” both sexual and non. So I will make mine or start it for that matter. It will just be a post for now, but I will soon make it into its own page, once I come up with enough to make it interesting. Suggestions are definitely welcome!

  • Have a threesome- I want this sooo bad, but I just cant get over the awkwardness part and I also haven’t found a 3rd suitable person
  • Role play- you know typical school girl, secretary, cheerleader(again, I want to do this so bad, but the idea is a little bit awkward for me, I want to become more comfortable with it soon!)
  • Use toys with my SO- nothing too crazy, maybe just a cock ring, vibrator, etc.
  • Have sex in a car while going through an automatic car wash
  • Have sex while someone else is watching- on that same note, I want to do it in a room that has a large window as it’s wall. I want to do it right up against the window so that others can see.
  • Similar to the above and below- having sex while on a web cam on a site like chat roulette(obviously not chat roulette but a sex type chat roulette site)
  • Having sex while being video taped
  • Have sex on the beach at night
  • Have sex on a hotel balcony
  • Silk/satin sheets with candles all around(I know sooo cliche, but I want it!)
  • Outside, somewhere border-line public
  • On the hood of a car(preferably at night, and down a deserted road of sorts)
  • Sex swing. Enough said.
  • Sex while blindfolded and tied up and tie up and blindfold my SO/ I also want to be spanked and have my hair pulled(not terribly hard, I wouldn’t consider myself a sadist at all)
  • Give a sexy striptease (I do not feel graceful or sexy enough for this, but I would love to do it to please the other person)
  • Have sex in the rain
  • Try some positions in one of those Kamasutra books

 

More to come!

Iphone launch in stores in 5 days!! $$$$

I have the worst anxiety right now. I am supposed to go to a Super Bowl party tomorrow after work and I might not go. There are going to be friends of gmans there and I am so fucking nervous(not to mention his ex…which I am not even sure she knows me/will know me). If I do end up going and get ignored by him or anything of that sort…Its really going to hurt my feelings and I will have to leave and look like an idiot to everyone. I really might decide against it and end up just watching the game at my place. I don’t get off till 730 anyways. If I was still with the ex I wouldn’t have to worry about this shit. I would know everyone we were going to the party with. I have to do something about this fucking anxiety. I will not  live with this shit forever.

I think about the ex every day, I still wonder if I made the right decision. I still wonder if I go back to him now if anything will change. I know he will take me back now(or at least I think he will) but what if I wait a couple more months…he probably wont. what if he moves on and come to find out gman and I don’t work out. what if nothing ever comes of gman and I. what if gman isn’t what I thought he was. I want so much and I don’t know if gman will fit my criteria…I know that sounds kind of fucked up and bitchy of me…but if I wanted to be unhappy in a relationship then I would have just stayed with the ex. at least some time we had fun, at least I was comfy, at least I still had friends, at least I knew someone was waiting for me at home when I got off, at least I knew I could make plans and he would be right there, at least I knew where he was and who he was with and I didn’t have to always worry about some other girl in the picture. that is one thing that the ex would NEVER EVER do, he was so loyal. Not to say gman has anyone else in the picture, he mentioned to me that during college he cheated on his then current girlfriend…he also told me he has changed since then and regrets all of the things he did. People never change though. Once you cheat one time it makes it so much easier to cheat again. and from what he told me he cheated A LOT.

Why am I putting myself through this? the ex really wasn’t that bad of a person. why am I doing this to him? what the fuck is my problem.

I would never tell anyone this..anyone EVER, but the reason I ended it with the ex is because I liked gman. I liked him for a while and knew the feeling wasn’t going to go away.

In other recent news. I told gman about my minor “obsession” with the girl in my class…he was thrilled(as any guy would be). I found out her name and insisted he friend request her on facebook so we can stalk her!! He did and she accepted! she probably has no idea who he is and definitely doesn’t know that I am friends with him. That’s stage 5 stalker status if you ask me! oh LORD

Definitely girl on girl

After class when all the other students and the professor leave, its only me and you left. I push you up against the wall and start to kiss you deeply, my hand grasping the outside of your shirt on your breasts. This moment has been on my mind for some time now. I unbutton your shirt and feel your bare breasts on my  hands. I rub my hands up and down your naked chest and stomach. Starting to kiss and massage your  glistening body, I can feel myself becoming so wet. I can feel your hot breath on my neck and back as you kiss me and nibble on my ear. Your long dark hair and oh so sexy lip ring turn me on so much, you face is so mysterious and your body is so perfect. Your pants unzipped and my shirt off now, you know what I want and you want too. As I pull off your pants I can feel your warm wet pussy from the outside of your panties. Your hand glides from my stomach to the bare skin on my thighs. I kiss your neck and whisper in your ear that there’s only one thing missing. I lead you over to the professors desk and lay you down on top of it. At the desk there is a man sitting, watching, and waiting for his time to join in. He loves to watch me pleasure other girls. I spread your legs apart and start kissing the inside of your thighs while caressing your breasts. I breath hard and my hot breath against your vagina makes you dripping wet and wanting more. I start to lick the outside of your wet pussy and put my fingers inside you. As I push my fingers deeper inside you, you let out a series of moans. I pull my friend over to help pleasure you even more, he starts to rub your breasts while I’m still sucking and tasting your pussy. I move up to kiss you and see your sexy body laying helpless on the professors desk. I sit on the edge of the chair and you move your hands toward my body. You move off the desk and get on your knees in front of me. Your hands are moving up, down and all around my naked body. You move towards my pussy and start to play around the outside and around my thighs. I pull the man over and he sits on the desk, unzipping his pants I can feel his hard throbbing penis waiting to get out. I rub along the outside of his legs and stomach. I grab his cock and place the tip of it on my tongue, licking around and massaging the shaft with my hand. As you begin to lick my pussy, I get a tighter grip on his cock and pull it deeper. With his cock in my mouth and you licking my pussy, I am so wet and horny. I suck his cock until he cant take it anymore and is begging to put it inside me. He pulls me up from the chair and puts me on the ground, on all fours, I ask you to come lay under me so I can lick your pussy while Im getting fucked. He slaps my ass as he fucks me from behind.

Girl on girl perhaps?

As you can see from the previous entry, I am a Steelers fan!! and I am absolutely overrun with joy that they beat the jets and are now going to the one and only SUPERBOWL!! WOOT WOOT!!

No news on the ex at the moment. We haven’t talked in days, and sometimes I really miss a lot of things about him, but it seems to get easier and easier as time goes by. I think I miss the idea of being comfortable with/around him and his family, I don”t think I miss the whole idea of us being together. There are many nights when I am upset because I am alone and ask myself if I made the right decision. I can’t want to be with him because he is in my comfort zone, I need to want to be with him because I want to and I am in love with him. (wow have fun reading that one and understanding it)…That just isn’t the case, so when I logically think about it, I did make the right decision. 🙂

 

In class today(neurobiology–my most favorite class of them all), I noticed this girl. She has dark brown/black hair, a lip ring(studded not circular), and she is very petite. She really got my attention and for the duration of class I could do nothing but stare at her. she is gorgeous. I have never been with a girl or had tendencies to be with a girl(besides wanting to have a threesome, which the idea is fun for everyone! 🙂 ). I have no clue what is going on in my head. Literally  just looking at her turned me on. I don’t even know how to handle this. I know I’m not a lesbian, I love penis waaaaay to much!! I have conlcuded that I am going to sit by her next class and strike up a conversation and see where it goes from there.

 

Then it all sets in as I’m walking from class to my car. I don’t know how to do anything with another girl. I don’t know how to finger a girl, I don’t know how to touch her, I mean I guess I do it to myself so it would basically be the same thing, but that’s a weird thought to have. The vagina is such a weird thing. I don’t really even like my own vagina…how could I touch and play with someone else’s?!

I got my package from the sex store that I ordered from! The outfit was not as cute in person as it was on the computer screen…that’s ok, Ill work with it though. This is another awkward thing for me. I can’t wait to wear it for him, how do I put it on? what do I do when I put it on, I’m not comfortable with the idea of role playing, although I’m sure he would make it comfy and easy. hmmm I just don’t know. I will have to let you know how this all plays out.

 

Also I went to the Aluminum Show with gman this weekend. It was fun, we went to dinner afterward and then back to his place. It was fun. The Aluminum show was a blast, if you have the chance to do it, I recommend it! It’s definitely different than anything I have done. When cirque de solieu(not sure how to spell that exactly :/) comes to Charleston, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to go. We’ll see!

 

Im going to goo look up some stuff about my lesbian tendencies.