Some things will never be the same

Well boys are stupid and lie about stupid shit for no reason. Maybe we (gman and I) should have never moved in together, it would be a lot easier to leave. I told him I loved him a couple of days ago and that is the HARDEST thing for me to do… I think love is such a strong “forever” word and I just didn’t want to say it to him until I really meant it. I did really mean it, but now I am second guessing everything.

I work for a corporate cell phone company and decided to look into some things and I found out gman was texting his ex on new years eve… 21 times there was a text exchange..hmm and he did not even slightly mention this occurrence to me. Sure there are about a million harmless things that can be exchanged via 21 texts but apparently it was “not important enough” to tell me about it. so THAT pisses me off. what the fuck.

I want to do something so dramatic that he really thinks about things from here on out…If I had the time and resources I would take all my shit from his house in a uhaul truck, leave this house and not come back for a week or two. I would not respond to his texts or calls just to show him what it feels like.


Im almost sorry that I told him that I loved him…he obviously doesn’t love me enough to tell me insignificant things like he talked to his Goddamn ex for an hour and a half…



I guess there’s a first time for everything!

First time I told someone about my crush on you;

It was our friend, female backpack(I will call her that because she is the epitome of a female backpack…but that’s a whole ‘nother post). We work with her and she was one of the only people I really talked to at work at the time. I was still with the ex and told her to keep it quite because it was just a crush. I thought about you all the time and every time I talked to you at work I blushed(even though I still do this a good bit now)

First time we did something together outside of work;

It was a Friday after our Friday morning meeting, you invited me over to your house until my shift started. I lived about 30 minutes away from work so driving home would have been a wasted trip. We got to your house and I was sooo nervous. I knew you had no clue I had a crush on you and I was still with the ex. You just did this being kind, you had no expectations of doing anything with me and you even sat on a different couch. You were just being a genuinely nice guy. You slept with your black stripped comforter on the other couch while I watched Sportscenter on your TV.

First time I hung out with you and one of your friends;

It was Christmas and I came over after I left my family. Your family doesn’t live down here and neither does your friends’ (let’s call him Sam Adams–he drinks a ridiculous amount of alcohol and is continuously partying). So you and Sam Adams were hanging out at your place and I came over. I was nervous(like every other time I did anything with you) to see you, but mostly to meet one of your friends(in case you guys haven’t noticed I have really bad anxiety meeting new people, especially people I know that are important to gman). So I walked in and you guys were watching basketball. I suggested we go get some beer and drink a little bit. You and I got into my car(which you were so very afraid of my driving-mostly because I did take up 2 parking places when we arrived at the store-but in my defense it was Christmas and no one was out) went to the store and got some beer–you paid because the ATM was not working for me for some weird reason and the gas station apparently didn’t take credit cards(RIIIGGGHTT). We went back to your place with the beer and watched Life on Discovery Channel and countless episodes of Bear Grylls.

First time we kissed;

We were at your house…I had never seen the upstairs to your house on the couple of occasions I was there. So you asked me if I wanted to see it. I said yes and you gave me a tour. As we got back downstairs I was walking toward the small couch in your living room. You grabbed my arm and softly turned me around and kissed me. I was shaking, I was sooo nervous. You were so gentle and everything was so perfect.

First time we had sex;

We were at your house, it was in the evening we started on the couch kissing and touching each other, we then went upstairs and continued. Again you were so gentle and so kind and you asked me to make sure this was what I wanted to do and I was comfortable with it before it went any further. You were amazing. You really know what to do make me comfortable. You really know how to make me moan and keep me satisfied.

The time you asked me to be your girlfriend;

This situation is better told by you… and for anyone who wants to read, you can do so here!

We were downtown for the day, just walking around, we had some lunch and afterward we went to a local restaurant and had some beers. We were at a park downtown right on the water with this huge fountain in the shape of a pineapple (coincidentally named The Pineapple Fountain). Your arms were wrapped around me from behind and I was looking out toward the fountain. You said you’ve really enjoyed the time we have spent together this far and want more times like these in the future. You said a number of other very nice things about us and then asked me if I wanted to be your official girlfriend. I stupidly didn’t answer and was kind of shocked that you actually asked me this question. You kept talking for a minute or so and then said if I didn’t want to tell you right then that was ok. You are such a gentleman.

I am so glad I said yes, I am so glad we are together. You are magnificent, every part of you is beautiful and every time we are together I am happy and you’re the only thing that matters to me.

I really hope we can have many more firsts.

Is chivalry dead?

Someone who opens doors for others,

who puts the comfort of others before theirs,

who compliments you for absolutely no reason,

who does not abuse nor tolerate abuse especially towards women,

who might disagree with others but respects the opinions of others,

who does not have to have the most expensive clothes but is still clean and well dressed,

who is faithful and trustworthy,

who will listen , truly listen,

who does not judge.

I want a gentleman in my life. I want someone that I am excited to introduce to my parents, someone who I know will impress them! I want a gentleman who will offer to pay for lunch when we go out with them, who will hold the door open for us, someone who will get my mom flowers when they first meet her. I feel as if I might live in some imaginative fairy tale land. I am veryyyyyy old school when it comes to dating. I will NEVER ask a guy out first, I will never invite myself over to their place, I expect the guy to pay if he asks me to go out somewhere (after we start “dating” that is VERY different and I think it should be equal, but not in the beginning) It sounds kind of odd but when we enter a restaurant I expect the guy to tell the hostess how many in our party and if we want smoking or not. I love it when a guy “steps up” and handles those situations. I feel as if that is his place to do these simple things. Again, my idea of these “perfect” gentleman might be completely  misconstrued, but i want these things…there has to be someone, somewhere that can give me these things…

I miss the ex a lot tonight. I get into these bouts of depression and I hate it that I don’t have anything that I used to have. friends, my dog, my best friend, boyfriend. He mind fucks me so much I just don’t know what to think/ how to handle this. I know I wont be going back to him anytime soon, I know we wont be getting back together and I know this is best for me right now, but it sucks. It reallllly sucks.

I miss him being around the house and playing music loud and making his beats, I miss someone sleeping next to me every night, I miss seeing his face, I miss us being goofy together, I miss him making fun of me for the silly stuff that I do, I miss being able to count on someone no matter when, where, what time, I miss his family, I miss my family, I miss the idea of us, I miss the happiness I had.

On that depressing note and onto a not so depressing one…I ordered a uconn and loves them and anything that involves them…so I just got him this t shirt that I thought/realllllly hope he likes! I got it for Valentines day, that is if we even do anything for it. if not Ill just give it to him for being super nice to me and because I want to!

So we were talking the other night about taking a trip up to New York for a couple of days because both of us have a lot of vacation time that we can use at work. anywho he mentioned on the way going to see his family in CT. totally fine, I know how much he misses his family and it would be super fucked up if we went to NY and he didn’t even get to see them. but ohmyjesuschristonacross does that freak me out! I will need a SERIOUS xanax script to get me through that time, and I’m not even joking. I am having a panic attack just thinking about it. I want to meet his family, but what the hellll. We are not dating, what are his parents going to think? some random girl from South Carolina who says ma’am and sir constantly and might sound a little funny is up here with my precious boy and they aren’t even dating, THAT DEVIL BITCH!!!

I like gman a lot, as we know, as i say every goddamned post. I feel as if this whole post might hint toward something otherwise, but it doesn’t, this is just what was on my mind….thats it, no direction implied..I hope everything works out. I hope his friends like me, I feel as if I am coming reallly close to meeting some of them, and I am so scared.