Some things will never be the same

Well boys are stupid and lie about stupid shit for no reason. Maybe we (gman and I) should have never moved in together, it would be a lot easier to leave. I told him I loved him a couple of days ago and that is the HARDEST thing for me to do… I think love is such a strong “forever” word and I just didn’t want to say it to him until I really meant it. I did really mean it, but now I am second guessing everything.

I work for a corporate cell phone company and decided to look into some things and I found out gman was texting his ex on new years eve… 21 times there was a text exchange..hmm and he did not even slightly mention this occurrence to me. Sure there are about a million harmless things that can be exchanged via 21 texts but apparently it was “not important enough” to tell me about it. so THAT pisses me off. what the fuck.

I want to do something so dramatic that he really thinks about things from here on out…If I had the time and resources I would take all my shit from his house in a uhaul truck, leave this house and not come back for a week or two. I would not respond to his texts or calls just to show him what it feels like.

 

Im almost sorry that I told him that I loved him…he obviously doesn’t love me enough to tell me insignificant things like he talked to his Goddamn ex for an hour and a half…

fucker.

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Sex me up please!

Ok! So I am all moved in, despite a few boxes and some things that need to be moved to storage, I am happy! I like it here…it feels a lot homier than my old place!

My dad helped me on moving day and without him I would have been overloaded and very stressed. Thank GOD for my daddy!! 🙂 He really did a lot more than I could have ever asked!

I also bought a TV from Best Buy because the ex took my old TV.

Also, I have been reading some blogs and most of the blogs I follow have something to do with sex…and I get horny, and that’s where I stand right now…I want to have sex and gman is working until 9. Work is so frustrating sometimes. Gman bought me this cute little Droid(I’m a geek, I know 🙂 ) for no reason at all! This is what I fucking want!! He is perfect. He is always there to listen to me… I am so incredibly happy with him and I am sooooo happy I have him right now. Although I talk alot about missing my ex, I know me being with gman is right. I can feel it…I am actually happy. He actually listens to me, tries to help me fix my problems, he tells me when I am being bratty about something that I am complaining about. I can actually have an intellectual conversation with him,  but then we can have a completely childish and silly conversation…. he is absolutely flawless! 🙂

The Gilmore Girls is a great show! I want to be like Lorelai! She is beautiful, independent, witty and has a very intelligent and witty daughter(who I like alot too!!)

And now this is just getting random….I’m going to stop!!

Ohhh and  I will be going to a baseball game this weekend. Its my college versus gman’s college! Woot Woot!!

And I also tried to load a super sexy picture to this post, but it never loads…I swear I am very tech savvy but this website just seems to always win! :/

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Protected: Exes and ohhhhh’s

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Iphone launch in stores in 5 days!! $$$$

I have the worst anxiety right now. I am supposed to go to a Super Bowl party tomorrow after work and I might not go. There are going to be friends of gmans there and I am so fucking nervous(not to mention his ex…which I am not even sure she knows me/will know me). If I do end up going and get ignored by him or anything of that sort…Its really going to hurt my feelings and I will have to leave and look like an idiot to everyone. I really might decide against it and end up just watching the game at my place. I don’t get off till 730 anyways. If I was still with the ex I wouldn’t have to worry about this shit. I would know everyone we were going to the party with. I have to do something about this fucking anxiety. I will not  live with this shit forever.

I think about the ex every day, I still wonder if I made the right decision. I still wonder if I go back to him now if anything will change. I know he will take me back now(or at least I think he will) but what if I wait a couple more months…he probably wont. what if he moves on and come to find out gman and I don’t work out. what if nothing ever comes of gman and I. what if gman isn’t what I thought he was. I want so much and I don’t know if gman will fit my criteria…I know that sounds kind of fucked up and bitchy of me…but if I wanted to be unhappy in a relationship then I would have just stayed with the ex. at least some time we had fun, at least I was comfy, at least I still had friends, at least I knew someone was waiting for me at home when I got off, at least I knew I could make plans and he would be right there, at least I knew where he was and who he was with and I didn’t have to always worry about some other girl in the picture. that is one thing that the ex would NEVER EVER do, he was so loyal. Not to say gman has anyone else in the picture, he mentioned to me that during college he cheated on his then current girlfriend…he also told me he has changed since then and regrets all of the things he did. People never change though. Once you cheat one time it makes it so much easier to cheat again. and from what he told me he cheated A LOT.

Why am I putting myself through this? the ex really wasn’t that bad of a person. why am I doing this to him? what the fuck is my problem.

I would never tell anyone this..anyone EVER, but the reason I ended it with the ex is because I liked gman. I liked him for a while and knew the feeling wasn’t going to go away.

In other recent news. I told gman about my minor “obsession” with the girl in my class…he was thrilled(as any guy would be). I found out her name and insisted he friend request her on facebook so we can stalk her!! He did and she accepted! she probably has no idea who he is and definitely doesn’t know that I am friends with him. That’s stage 5 stalker status if you ask me! oh LORD

Diamonds on the inside

So I am officially terrible at school. I have 1 test and 2 quizzes tomorrow….and I am writing a post for my blog…FML. My mind just has a million things going on at the moment. (I think) I am generally a really happy, easy going person. Lately I have felt so on edge and my doctor prescribed me xanax to help me out when I needed it….which is right now.

This is when most people should just hit the back button and read someone elses shit….this is just going to be me bitching for the next 3 minutes or so. shit at work is stressing me out, school is really stressing me out, my relationship with gman is stressing me out, my old relationship with the ex is stressing me out…GRRRR. Generally I can take all these stresses and deal with them…generally, I am pretty good at not talking about things and hiding them and putting on a front for everyone. that’s GENERALLY…not right now. I just feel the need to stay in bed all day and cry. I think I might be coming close to my threshold.

we are about to launch the iphone at work…so everything must be perfect, there are 5 emails coming out telling me the same thing, there are meetings in the office telling me what the 5 emails said, then there is a 730am meetings to tell me what the 5 emails and the meetings in the office told me. I FUCKING GET IT! do my fucking job, be nice and sell a bunch of shit…enough said, stop fucking stressing me out about it.

I have ADD and cant always concentrate on shit that I need to concentrate on, good example is right now. I can concentrate when I come home from school and I especially cant concentrate in class….this stresses me out about school…I feel like I have selective ADD…In the classes that I really like I can soak up everything, neurobiology is the shit and I can tell you whatever you want to know about it. everything else is toast…forget about it. not so good for tests and actually attending class.

I want gman to like me, really like me. there are so many things I don’t know about him and he doesn’t know about me. i know these things come in time. i am afraid he is going to bring up the relationship talk soon…I’m not fucking ready for that, or atleast I don’t think I am….I don’t know what I want, I want him…to be mine and only mine, that’s what I want. he has already mentioned he sees us as “exclusive”….fine, I have no interest in anyone else, oddly enough i don’t even think about other guys sexually…am I fucking normal? I feel like I may talk to him about stuff in my life too much, like the recent break up and I need to stop being so needy….I probably am overloading him with my problems and I might even be overlooking his, I don’t even know if he wants to talk about his problems…so i don’t want to push and ask questions if he doesn’t want to talk. I also don’t want to become boring to him….i am not that exciting of a person. I also don’t want him to become bored with me sexually…obviously not my strong suite in life.

He also has a blog Click me and is not a chicken like me and he has given me his URL so I can follow him…I have not given him this address, although he accidentally stumbled upon and says he did away with it because I asked him not to look. he wrote a post about me and it made me soo happy. He is such a sweetheart. I just have this block up and I feel like I shouldn’t be happy…why should I when the ex is so hurt by what I did.

ughhh the whole ex problem…enough said about that.

I need serenity in my life right now. I feel as if I might be complaining far too much, there are so many people with valid concerns about their lives(ie. not having enough money to buy food, homeless, teenage pregnancies, spousal beatings, etc.) and I am only bitching about things that I am fortunate enough to have(ie. schooling, a job, people who love me(the ex), friends)

This is when I miss the ex the most…I want someone to sleep with tonight, I want someone to talk to(even if he never listened….probably quite valid considering I just rambled and bitched about stuff that is of no significance)

The eff word and CAPS LOCK

So the ex came over last night, he has been asking to hang out for a couple days now. To be honest I was kind of scared when he came over(he used to be very physical with me, especially when he was drunk and not happy about something) I didn’t know what his intentions were; if he was going to blow up or try to be nice to me. This is the type of mindfucking he has been doing to me since November, so I wouldn’t put it past him. I told him about gman a while back and I think it is sinking in and he is scared? I don’t know what else to think. So he came over and brought the dog so I could see him. first off he was trying to hug me and rub my leg. WHAT THE FUCK. I asked him to stop multiple times and told him if he was going to do these things we could not EVER hang out. I don’t know what has gotten into him, I just don’t understand why he is acting like this. I went to take the dog outside and play with him for a minute. When I came back in he was on my fucking computer….WHAT THE FUCK. on my desktop I have a couple of pictures from tumblr, mostly sex-ish images. I also had a word document up that was written by gman, nothing bad, just saying thanks for letting him stay over….he read that. WHAT THE FUCK. He called me a freak and asked me what kind of freaky shit I was into now(since I had those pictures) he also saw a word document that I had that’s entitled “Blog ideas”, he wanted to know where my blog was and he wanted to read it…..yeah fuck you buddy, not a chance in hell. He told me I must write about all the sex I must be having on this blog of mine, I just kept quiet because I do not want to antagonize him or the situation, which makes him even more mad and he starts talking more shit about me. Oh well..what am I to do.

We have since decided apparently we can’t even be friends right now. I can’t deal with him and his unpredictability.

Is chivalry dead?

Someone who opens doors for others,

who puts the comfort of others before theirs,

who compliments you for absolutely no reason,

who does not abuse nor tolerate abuse especially towards women,

who might disagree with others but respects the opinions of others,

who does not have to have the most expensive clothes but is still clean and well dressed,

who is faithful and trustworthy,

who will listen , truly listen,

who does not judge.

I want a gentleman in my life. I want someone that I am excited to introduce to my parents, someone who I know will impress them! I want a gentleman who will offer to pay for lunch when we go out with them, who will hold the door open for us, someone who will get my mom flowers when they first meet her. I feel as if I might live in some imaginative fairy tale land. I am veryyyyyy old school when it comes to dating. I will NEVER ask a guy out first, I will never invite myself over to their place, I expect the guy to pay if he asks me to go out somewhere (after we start “dating” that is VERY different and I think it should be equal, but not in the beginning) It sounds kind of odd but when we enter a restaurant I expect the guy to tell the hostess how many in our party and if we want smoking or not. I love it when a guy “steps up” and handles those situations. I feel as if that is his place to do these simple things. Again, my idea of these “perfect” gentleman might be completely  misconstrued, but i want these things…there has to be someone, somewhere that can give me these things…

I miss the ex a lot tonight. I get into these bouts of depression and I hate it that I don’t have anything that I used to have. friends, my dog, my best friend, boyfriend. He mind fucks me so much I just don’t know what to think/ how to handle this. I know I wont be going back to him anytime soon, I know we wont be getting back together and I know this is best for me right now, but it sucks. It reallllly sucks.

I miss him being around the house and playing music loud and making his beats, I miss someone sleeping next to me every night, I miss seeing his face, I miss us being goofy together, I miss him making fun of me for the silly stuff that I do, I miss being able to count on someone no matter when, where, what time, I miss his family, I miss my family, I miss the idea of us, I miss the happiness I had.

On that depressing note and onto a not so depressing one…I ordered a uconn and loves them and anything that involves them…so I just got him this t shirt that I thought/realllllly hope he likes! I got it for Valentines day, that is if we even do anything for it. if not Ill just give it to him for being super nice to me and because I want to!

So we were talking the other night about taking a trip up to New York for a couple of days because both of us have a lot of vacation time that we can use at work. anywho he mentioned on the way going to see his family in CT. totally fine, I know how much he misses his family and it would be super fucked up if we went to NY and he didn’t even get to see them. but ohmyjesuschristonacross does that freak me out! I will need a SERIOUS xanax script to get me through that time, and I’m not even joking. I am having a panic attack just thinking about it. I want to meet his family, but what the hellll. We are not dating, what are his parents going to think? some random girl from South Carolina who says ma’am and sir constantly and might sound a little funny is up here with my precious boy and they aren’t even dating, THAT DEVIL BITCH!!!

I like gman a lot, as we know, as i say every goddamned post. I feel as if this whole post might hint toward something otherwise, but it doesn’t, this is just what was on my mind….thats it, no direction implied..I hope everything works out. I hope his friends like me, I feel as if I am coming reallly close to meeting some of them, and I am so scared.

Girl on girl perhaps?

As you can see from the previous entry, I am a Steelers fan!! and I am absolutely overrun with joy that they beat the jets and are now going to the one and only SUPERBOWL!! WOOT WOOT!!

No news on the ex at the moment. We haven’t talked in days, and sometimes I really miss a lot of things about him, but it seems to get easier and easier as time goes by. I think I miss the idea of being comfortable with/around him and his family, I don”t think I miss the whole idea of us being together. There are many nights when I am upset because I am alone and ask myself if I made the right decision. I can’t want to be with him because he is in my comfort zone, I need to want to be with him because I want to and I am in love with him. (wow have fun reading that one and understanding it)…That just isn’t the case, so when I logically think about it, I did make the right decision. 🙂

 

In class today(neurobiology–my most favorite class of them all), I noticed this girl. She has dark brown/black hair, a lip ring(studded not circular), and she is very petite. She really got my attention and for the duration of class I could do nothing but stare at her. she is gorgeous. I have never been with a girl or had tendencies to be with a girl(besides wanting to have a threesome, which the idea is fun for everyone! 🙂 ). I have no clue what is going on in my head. Literally  just looking at her turned me on. I don’t even know how to handle this. I know I’m not a lesbian, I love penis waaaaay to much!! I have conlcuded that I am going to sit by her next class and strike up a conversation and see where it goes from there.

 

Then it all sets in as I’m walking from class to my car. I don’t know how to do anything with another girl. I don’t know how to finger a girl, I don’t know how to touch her, I mean I guess I do it to myself so it would basically be the same thing, but that’s a weird thought to have. The vagina is such a weird thing. I don’t really even like my own vagina…how could I touch and play with someone else’s?!

I got my package from the sex store that I ordered from! The outfit was not as cute in person as it was on the computer screen…that’s ok, Ill work with it though. This is another awkward thing for me. I can’t wait to wear it for him, how do I put it on? what do I do when I put it on, I’m not comfortable with the idea of role playing, although I’m sure he would make it comfy and easy. hmmm I just don’t know. I will have to let you know how this all plays out.

 

Also I went to the Aluminum Show with gman this weekend. It was fun, we went to dinner afterward and then back to his place. It was fun. The Aluminum show was a blast, if you have the chance to do it, I recommend it! It’s definitely different than anything I have done. When cirque de solieu(not sure how to spell that exactly :/) comes to Charleston, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to go. We’ll see!

 

Im going to goo look up some stuff about my lesbian tendencies.