Some things will never be the same

Well boys are stupid and lie about stupid shit for no reason. Maybe we (gman and I) should have never moved in together, it would be a lot easier to leave. I told him I loved him a couple of days ago and that is the HARDEST thing for me to do… I think love is such a strong “forever” word and I just didn’t want to say it to him until I really meant it. I did really mean it, but now I am second guessing everything.

I work for a corporate cell phone company and decided to look into some things and I found out gman was texting his ex on new years eve… 21 times there was a text exchange..hmm and he did not even slightly mention this occurrence to me. Sure there are about a million harmless things that can be exchanged via 21 texts but apparently it was “not important enough” to tell me about it. so THAT pisses me off. what the fuck.

I want to do something so dramatic that he really thinks about things from here on out…If I had the time and resources I would take all my shit from his house in a uhaul truck, leave this house and not come back for a week or two. I would not respond to his texts or calls just to show him what it feels like.

 

Im almost sorry that I told him that I loved him…he obviously doesn’t love me enough to tell me insignificant things like he talked to his Goddamn ex for an hour and a half…

fucker.

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Big step here I come

So I know I have been a very bad girl recently and honestly I don’t know if that will change anytime soon..I started school back and trying to balance working full time for a big corporate company, having a boyfriend and going to school full time is ridiculously hard. I love it but it’s certainly a test of discipline.

So since last time I have been to Chicago for a festival with gman and although I mentioned his ex was going to be there, we didn’t even see her…success.. We had a great time, we were extremely dirty and tired after each day but it was SO worth it!! We saw bands like The Flaming Lips, David Grey, Kid Cudi, Michael Franti and Spearhead, SOJA, soulive, ofcourse DMB and sooo many others I can’t even think of them at the moment. Although we had a great time at the festival itself, Chicago was not a very impressive city to me…and frankly I would never go back, unless it was for work and I was forced.

Also big step with the boy…as I have earlier mentioned my discontent with the fact that he shared his dog with his ex in some odd custody split….he has since let her keep the dog for good and there is no more sharing! Woot woot. It sucks that the dog couldn’t go to him because I knew he is really upset about it, which I understand because I just went through that situation with my ex, but something had to give. It was getting a little ridiculous for me at least. Anywho, that’s over and done with no reason to keep talking junk about it and the situation!

I started school and I will only have 1 more semester after this one to get my bachelors and I am more than ecstatic!! I. Can’t. Freaking. Wait.

Gman and I have talked about moving in together and I think we might do it…My lease is up in about a month and we are with each other just about every day and spend the night at one house or the other every night. It just makes sense financially and he wants to be closer to the city than where he is now. I am totally on board with this, but I am scared SHITLESS!! I have never lived with a boy besides the ex and that only happened out of necessity when it did originally happen. I really hope this all works and I am being a little scardy cat bitch for nothing.

Ohhh there is another sexy girl in one of my classes and I really feel like a creep talking about girls in a sexual way…and I am not really sure why I do talk about them in a sexual way, I have never had any interaction with another girl…so I don’t even know what I’m talking about! :-/ but she is in one of my classes and she again has long dark brown hair, tan, and has a lip piercing. Those damn lip piercings are so hot and get me every time! I am not going to try to pursue her or anything, but she does sit by me every class if that counts for anything! :-p

So that’s that…Maybe I’ll write again tomorrow…Maybe not…

Maybe I’ll have some amazing sexy threesome story to tell you guys….maybe not…

Maybe I’ll just tell you guys about the hot sex I’m having with gman….maybe not…

 

Quick little bullet points! (bullet reminds me of mullet and that’s gross)

So I suck…sorry for sucking so much, and not in a good way at all. Also this post will just be a collage of randomness!

I want to write so much more but I just can not find the time for it now! I just moved stores so I am much closer to my house, but I still feel I never have time for anything!!

Also my mom just had surgery today and I had to take off a week or so from work so I could help her do things. Maybe I will find time then to do all these things that I think I need to do….

I also want to have sex, crazy, spontaneous, fun sex. I want to do something I haven’t done yet. Sex on the beach sounds so cliché, but I think it would be so romantic.

I will be going to Chicago in July for the DMB caravan tour and I am BEYOND excited for it!! Gman’s ex will be there…major bummer and it really bothered me when I first told him…it actually caused a huge argument in which I basically didn’t talk to him for an hour or so. It was terrible. But I feel like they still talk via text and the fact that they still split custody of the dog means they will keep talking via text or phone until they figure out who gets to keep the dog. who knows if he will ever even have that convo… I don’t know what bothers me about her and him talking…hey havent been together for 2 years now and she has a boyfriend, I just don’t like it. She is really pretty and I sometimes feel like the things he likes or wants from his girlfriend are exactly what she is! I feel like I’m just not going to cut it sometimes and even though I completely believe that he does not want to go back to her…I feel like I will be compared to her.

The other day Gman and I were talking and we were both a little tipsy…I think he was about to tell me he loved me?! maybe I’m wrong and I’m just flattering myself. But I was soooo fucking scared. I changed the conversation so quickly! I wouldn’t know what to say to him if he said that…I would be speechless. I don’t know if I love him. I really really like him and I really like to hang out with him and spend my time with him. But love is such a special word to me and I don’t think what we have yet is love. Love to me is something deeper than just spending time together for a couple of months.

I want to buy a tv for my bedroom, an ipad for school, and I desperately need a new computer…I have been holding out for some time now…but as soon as I get some extra cash…I will be buying one.

Life, Love and Happiness…Oh and maaybe some sex

What is life? What does this all mean? What do I want from all of this?

I want so much, just like anyone else in the world.

I want to succeed in my academics, profession, relationship, friendship and most importantly at life. I want to make my parents proud and my future kids proud, I also want to be proud of what I have accomplished.

But as I have been thinking more and more of what I want from life, where do I want to be in 1 year, 5 years or hell 20 years(ohh god that’s scary)? The answer to this question is I have no fucking clue. I haven’t the slightest idea of what I want that will make me happy until the ripe age of 65. This scares me more than anything. If I don’t know this now…When will I know? How do I figure this out?

Why do some people know exactly what they want as soon as they come out of the womb? Some people don’t figure it out in their eye-opening years of college…well in that case…IT’S MY FUCKING TURN!!

And that’s another thing…I haven’t lead the normal college life and I blame that for not knowing what I want out of life. I have been focused on making money to pay bills for far too long. It really makes me depressed at times because I hear all these amazing drunken shenanigans that people do/have done in college and I haven’t done any of this. Sure I had my fun in high school with the normal house parties, keg parties,  sneaking out, using a fake ID, etc…. But I want college fun. I want to live in a dorm and walk to class hungover and half awake.  I want to do stupid shit that I will more than likely regret the next morning. I want to have a drunken threesome with some of my dorm mates. I want to only have enough money in my bank account to buy booze and maybe a McDonald’s jr. cheeseburger. I want so many things that are associated with college living…

But what am I doing? Living on my own, paying all my own bills, just bought a new car, working a hectic 40+ hour a week job, going to school full-time and basically living a boring adult life…and failing miserably at it.

I’m torn between being slightly proud of myself for being only 21 and making a considerable amount of money already, paying for all my own shit and being more or less independent….and not living a fulfilling completely irresponsible life.

And I know… “Chelsea the answer is simple….just quit your job, get a job serving downtown near college, sleep until 3pm and do whatever the fuck I want to do!” Oh my gosh…that sounds fucking amazing.

But how about no.

Off the topic of me talking about my feelings *yuck*. Gman and I have never really had an awkward moments during sex or foreplay..nothing besides the normal queef…which for some reason makes me giggle when that happens…probably not so much a turn on haha.

So sometimes my vagina gets tired and stop lubricating itself mid- sex…I mean damn…give her a break…with all the foreplay and penetration…she just needs a little break every now and then.(if that last sentence didn’t make me seem like a major nympho then you have very low standards). So this is when gman and I use some lube, we have only used lube maybe 2 times before this incident. Fumbling around in the drawer next to my bed without looking at what I was picking up.

Back up a minute— About a month or 2 ago I went to the store and bought this sample pack of cute looking lube bottles. There were 6. I thought lube was lube was lube…oh Boy was I wrong.

So I give gman a bottle that I grab from the drawer. He opens it…puts it on the outside of my vagina and starts to put it on the tip of his penis. I felt it getting very warm and I just thought that’s what it was supposed to feel like. He put his penis inside me and thrusts a couple of times and then we both realize it was fucking BURNING! We both jump out of the bed and get into the shower!!

Lesson learned: Lube isn’t lube isn’t lube.