Diamonds on the inside

So I am officially terrible at school. I have 1 test and 2 quizzes tomorrow….and I am writing a post for my blog…FML. My mind just has a million things going on at the moment. (I think) I am generally a really happy, easy going person. Lately I have felt so on edge and my doctor prescribed me xanax to help me out when I needed it….which is right now.

This is when most people should just hit the back button and read someone elses shit….this is just going to be me bitching for the next 3 minutes or so. shit at work is stressing me out, school is really stressing me out, my relationship with gman is stressing me out, my old relationship with the ex is stressing me out…GRRRR. Generally I can take all these stresses and deal with them…generally, I am pretty good at not talking about things and hiding them and putting on a front for everyone. that’s GENERALLY…not right now. I just feel the need to stay in bed all day and cry. I think I might be coming close to my threshold.

we are about to launch the iphone at work…so everything must be perfect, there are 5 emails coming out telling me the same thing, there are meetings in the office telling me what the 5 emails said, then there is a 730am meetings to tell me what the 5 emails and the meetings in the office told me. I FUCKING GET IT! do my fucking job, be nice and sell a bunch of shit…enough said, stop fucking stressing me out about it.

I have ADD and cant always concentrate on shit that I need to concentrate on, good example is right now. I can concentrate when I come home from school and I especially cant concentrate in class….this stresses me out about school…I feel like I have selective ADD…In the classes that I really like I can soak up everything, neurobiology is the shit and I can tell you whatever you want to know about it. everything else is toast…forget about it. not so good for tests and actually attending class.

I want gman to like me, really like me. there are so many things I don’t know about him and he doesn’t know about me. i know these things come in time. i am afraid he is going to bring up the relationship talk soon…I’m not fucking ready for that, or atleast I don’t think I am….I don’t know what I want, I want him…to be mine and only mine, that’s what I want. he has already mentioned he sees us as “exclusive”….fine, I have no interest in anyone else, oddly enough i don’t even think about other guys sexually…am I fucking normal? I feel like I may talk to him about stuff in my life too much, like the recent break up and I need to stop being so needy….I probably am overloading him with my problems and I might even be overlooking his, I don’t even know if he wants to talk about his problems…so i don’t want to push and ask questions if he doesn’t want to talk. I also don’t want to become boring to him….i am not that exciting of a person. I also don’t want him to become bored with me sexually…obviously not my strong suite in life.

He also has a blog Click me and is not a chicken like me and he has given me his URL so I can follow him…I have not given him this address, although he accidentally stumbled upon and says he did away with it because I asked him not to look. he wrote a post about me and it made me soo happy. He is such a sweetheart. I just have this block up and I feel like I shouldn’t be happy…why should I when the ex is so hurt by what I did.

ughhh the whole ex problem…enough said about that.

I need serenity in my life right now. I feel as if I might be complaining far too much, there are so many people with valid concerns about their lives(ie. not having enough money to buy food, homeless, teenage pregnancies, spousal beatings, etc.) and I am only bitching about things that I am fortunate enough to have(ie. schooling, a job, people who love me(the ex), friends)

This is when I miss the ex the most…I want someone to sleep with tonight, I want someone to talk to(even if he never listened….probably quite valid considering I just rambled and bitched about stuff that is of no significance)


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