I’m sorry, do I look like an idiot to you?

Does he think I’m stupid? Hmmm or does he just have a complete disregard for what I feel, or for what I don’t like. Seriously! we have a huge discussion about a week ago where i stated that I DID NOT like the fact that you are still talking to your ex, constantly. Literally at least 1 of the texts that you get EVERY single time I’m with you is from her! And what do you know… I was with you tonight and you get a text…I’m sitting right next to you and hmm…wonder who it could be??? ohh thats right its HER. I know body language. I’m sorry, did you miss the fact that I am a psychology major…I pay attention to these things, I study these things, I have classes upon classes on these things…did you just tune out on that part of the conversation?? You take your goddamn phone and tilt it away from me when its a text from her and when it’s not you make it blatantly obvious to show your phone to me!!! I told you I did not like this! I am not one to snoop through others things, I am not one to want to know exaactly what everyone says to you via text, twitter, facebook and whatever the hell else you have. Hell I don’t even care that you talk to your ex. The fact of it all is that you talk to her ALL THE FUCKING TIME. And it’s not like you don’t know about this…its not like you are oblivious to the fact that I do not like this…it makes me uncomfortable. You give me fucking anxiety every time I look at your facebook and see that she wrote yet another thing on your page about something!! Or every time you decide to go out with your friends, I know she’s going to be there. You are causing more anxiety in my life right now than anything else.

I also found in your texts when I asked to see your phone a text from her about going to a concert in the future with her…you responded “yes I would love to!” I confront you about this and your all….ohh well you didn’t seem like you wanted to go with me…..REALLY!?!? Did I miss the boat on this one? Just because I seemed like I didn’t want to go(mind you, I NEVER once said I didn’t want to, the only thing that came out of my mouth was, I’m going to have to check my sched(work sched) and see if I can make it), you then revert back to the ex and go with her? If I sound even slightly crazy here…please someone let me know!

I am not and will not have a relationship where I constantly worry about who’s texting you, who you’re going out with and what you’re doing and deleting before I can see it. I haven’t done it before and I will not do it now.


I sure fucking hope you can get your act together soon or its over…I’m not wasting my time on someone who cant get over their fucking ex from 2 damn years ago. and when I mean get over…I don’t mean “liking sexually or anything of that sort” I mean get the fuck over talking to her…you told me “ohh I only respond because she says things and I feel bad if I don’t…I don’t want to be mean to her or not respond.”….whoa whoa that doesn’t seem like the case at all..in fact I’m pretty sure you might even initiate some of these conversations. UGH I’m so the fuck over this right now!!


The Boy! :)

As I sit here at the baby Starbucks(It’s called baby because its a little white shack looking building home to the national franchise,Starbucks) I’m looking out the front window and onto the street peering across the way at my college campus. I am watching people come and go….fat, old, smokers and non smokers, skinny, young, some slutty looking(its like 50 degrees outside so people think its ok to wear shorts and a tank top) I cant help but ot wonder what their stories’ are. What they do, who they all are. Then I think about myself and my situation. Am I happy? If not how can I change it? What do I need to do to make myself more happy? Get a less demanding job so I can focus on school and myself more? Quit school and focus on that? no fuck that! I see what my job does to people lives. It takes them over…makes them completely un family oriented. Nope! That’s not me!!

I have been hanging out with gman alot more lately. Yesterday he asked me if I wanted to be his”official” girlfriend. I got scared and tensed up and said I would let him know. I wanted to fucking just scream, YES PLEASE! that would be amazing. I like him so much and he is so nice to me and he is trying so hard. He opened doors for me yesterday and complimented me the whole day. I really like him, I don’t know what I am afraid of!

I need to completely retract my statement I made on the chivalry being dead post. He is my gentleman, he is everything I want. He is everything I need in my life right now. Every time I think about him it makes me smile, every time we go out and do something I get butterflies in my stomach before hand because I don’t want to do anything silly and mess what we have up. He is so nice to me and does anything he can for me. He is so funny and always makes me laugh. He listens to me  when I need him to. I am so excited to introduce him to my parents, I know they will love him! I am so excited to meet his parents and can’t wait to see his hometown where he grew up! I want this to work out so bad…I feel as if I might be messing it up at times and I am afraid of that more than anything. He truly is perfect for me. I am excited to see what comes of this.

sex, sex and more sex!


He pushes me on the floor next to the couch and crawls on top of me. kissing my neck and collar bone and nibbling all the areas in between. He pulls my shirt up and starts rubbing and kissing my stomach. He jerks me up from the floor and carries my upstairs to the bedroom. as he undresses me he takes the shirt i was wearing and ties my arms behind my back. OH MY GOD….I WANT THIS!! He rips my pants off and starts playing around the outside of my vagina (I fucking love when he uses his hands inside me. He is sooo fucking good at it) While my hands are still tied up behind me he goes down on my and starts licking my vagina and puts his fingers deep inside me, doing whatever he does with his fingers, I am truly in heaven… holyjesus.. The whole session was amazing and he ended up fucking me while he was on top, he did all the work and I felt sooo refreshed afterwards.


The night before he came over to my place and we had sex in my shower! I also love shower sex! It didn’t last long in the shower and we ended up on my bed! God this guy is amazing. Sex doesn’t feel like a chore or obligation with him. I fucking love it.

Gman got me fucking flowers this morning! MUAHAHAH fucking flowers. They were beautiful

So the picture didn’t turn out so great once I uploaded it to this site…hmm I am probably doing  something wrong! Sorrry!


And also gman and I are hanging out tomorrow motherfuckers!! what what! He asked me last week if I wanted to do something and then we made plans about what to do yesterday! we are making dinner together at his place after we get off work! Just keeping it low key 🙂

He makes me so happy! I love hanging out with him and I love making him happy! If I am so happy with him I wonder why I still feel depressed about the ex sometime. Grr its so frustrating. I know he is living at a place where its a constant party and I know he hates that. He’s also a pretty clean person and the place where he is living is also really messy and gets dirty quickly, and I know he hates that too. I feel so bad for him. I feel like this is all my fault! I also miss my dog so much its ridiculous.. I think about him every day. I wish I could have my dog back 😦 I know I don’t have the time for him right now though and I know he is probably always being played with over there.


Today I woke up feeling like a mothefucking champ. I got out of bed this morning ready to take on the day and ready for the iphone launch! Dun dun dunnnnnn

This is all ruined within the first 5 minutes that I walk through the door of work. I’m greeted by “I’m going to need you to do these 3 trainings that you have failed to complete before you can go on the sales floor today”. ok Mr. Boss man I’ll get right on that. I complete my trainings and then go out on the sales floor to begin my day. Yes there has been a damper put on my mood but I’m still in good spirits because I know tomorrow will come and go before I know it. Then it all starts, I open my email to see about 20 emails about things that will be changing for the launch tomorrow. Great…I can adapt to change. Change is good right? Well no, not right when I have to basicly relearn what I’ve been told about the phone, its capabilities and the process of how I ring out the iphone. Ok if there are so many changes then my management should be able to answer my questions about these changes right? Well no, not right…they have no fucking clue!

So basicly if you come to my store tomorrow and I help you don’t ask me any questions about anything unless you want a bullshit answer…those I am good at. 🙂

Doin’ the DIIRRTYY


so I’ve seen some other bloggers making “life lists” both sexual and non. So I will make mine or start it for that matter. It will just be a post for now, but I will soon make it into its own page, once I come up with enough to make it interesting. Suggestions are definitely welcome!

  • Have a threesome- I want this sooo bad, but I just cant get over the awkwardness part and I also haven’t found a 3rd suitable person
  • Role play- you know typical school girl, secretary, cheerleader(again, I want to do this so bad, but the idea is a little bit awkward for me, I want to become more comfortable with it soon!)
  • Use toys with my SO- nothing too crazy, maybe just a cock ring, vibrator, etc.
  • Have sex in a car while going through an automatic car wash
  • Have sex while someone else is watching- on that same note, I want to do it in a room that has a large window as it’s wall. I want to do it right up against the window so that others can see.
  • Similar to the above and below- having sex while on a web cam on a site like chat roulette(obviously not chat roulette but a sex type chat roulette site)
  • Having sex while being video taped
  • Have sex on the beach at night
  • Have sex on a hotel balcony
  • Silk/satin sheets with candles all around(I know sooo cliche, but I want it!)
  • Outside, somewhere border-line public
  • On the hood of a car(preferably at night, and down a deserted road of sorts)
  • Sex swing. Enough said.
  • Sex while blindfolded and tied up and tie up and blindfold my SO/ I also want to be spanked and have my hair pulled(not terribly hard, I wouldn’t consider myself a sadist at all)
  • Give a sexy striptease (I do not feel graceful or sexy enough for this, but I would love to do it to please the other person)
  • Have sex in the rain
  • Try some positions in one of those Kamasutra books


More to come!

Iphone launch in stores in 5 days!! $$$$

I have the worst anxiety right now. I am supposed to go to a Super Bowl party tomorrow after work and I might not go. There are going to be friends of gmans there and I am so fucking nervous(not to mention his ex…which I am not even sure she knows me/will know me). If I do end up going and get ignored by him or anything of that sort…Its really going to hurt my feelings and I will have to leave and look like an idiot to everyone. I really might decide against it and end up just watching the game at my place. I don’t get off till 730 anyways. If I was still with the ex I wouldn’t have to worry about this shit. I would know everyone we were going to the party with. I have to do something about this fucking anxiety. I will not  live with this shit forever.

I think about the ex every day, I still wonder if I made the right decision. I still wonder if I go back to him now if anything will change. I know he will take me back now(or at least I think he will) but what if I wait a couple more months…he probably wont. what if he moves on and come to find out gman and I don’t work out. what if nothing ever comes of gman and I. what if gman isn’t what I thought he was. I want so much and I don’t know if gman will fit my criteria…I know that sounds kind of fucked up and bitchy of me…but if I wanted to be unhappy in a relationship then I would have just stayed with the ex. at least some time we had fun, at least I was comfy, at least I still had friends, at least I knew someone was waiting for me at home when I got off, at least I knew I could make plans and he would be right there, at least I knew where he was and who he was with and I didn’t have to always worry about some other girl in the picture. that is one thing that the ex would NEVER EVER do, he was so loyal. Not to say gman has anyone else in the picture, he mentioned to me that during college he cheated on his then current girlfriend…he also told me he has changed since then and regrets all of the things he did. People never change though. Once you cheat one time it makes it so much easier to cheat again. and from what he told me he cheated A LOT.

Why am I putting myself through this? the ex really wasn’t that bad of a person. why am I doing this to him? what the fuck is my problem.

I would never tell anyone this..anyone EVER, but the reason I ended it with the ex is because I liked gman. I liked him for a while and knew the feeling wasn’t going to go away.

In other recent news. I told gman about my minor “obsession” with the girl in my class…he was thrilled(as any guy would be). I found out her name and insisted he friend request her on facebook so we can stalk her!! He did and she accepted! she probably has no idea who he is and definitely doesn’t know that I am friends with him. That’s stage 5 stalker status if you ask me! oh LORD


Oh My God. I want this. BAD.



Diamonds on the inside

So I am officially terrible at school. I have 1 test and 2 quizzes tomorrow….and I am writing a post for my blog…FML. My mind just has a million things going on at the moment. (I think) I am generally a really happy, easy going person. Lately I have felt so on edge and my doctor prescribed me xanax to help me out when I needed it….which is right now.

This is when most people should just hit the back button and read someone elses shit….this is just going to be me bitching for the next 3 minutes or so. shit at work is stressing me out, school is really stressing me out, my relationship with gman is stressing me out, my old relationship with the ex is stressing me out…GRRRR. Generally I can take all these stresses and deal with them…generally, I am pretty good at not talking about things and hiding them and putting on a front for everyone. that’s GENERALLY…not right now. I just feel the need to stay in bed all day and cry. I think I might be coming close to my threshold.

we are about to launch the iphone at work…so everything must be perfect, there are 5 emails coming out telling me the same thing, there are meetings in the office telling me what the 5 emails said, then there is a 730am meetings to tell me what the 5 emails and the meetings in the office told me. I FUCKING GET IT! do my fucking job, be nice and sell a bunch of shit…enough said, stop fucking stressing me out about it.

I have ADD and cant always concentrate on shit that I need to concentrate on, good example is right now. I can concentrate when I come home from school and I especially cant concentrate in class….this stresses me out about school…I feel like I have selective ADD…In the classes that I really like I can soak up everything, neurobiology is the shit and I can tell you whatever you want to know about it. everything else is toast…forget about it. not so good for tests and actually attending class.

I want gman to like me, really like me. there are so many things I don’t know about him and he doesn’t know about me. i know these things come in time. i am afraid he is going to bring up the relationship talk soon…I’m not fucking ready for that, or atleast I don’t think I am….I don’t know what I want, I want him…to be mine and only mine, that’s what I want. he has already mentioned he sees us as “exclusive”….fine, I have no interest in anyone else, oddly enough i don’t even think about other guys sexually…am I fucking normal? I feel like I may talk to him about stuff in my life too much, like the recent break up and I need to stop being so needy….I probably am overloading him with my problems and I might even be overlooking his, I don’t even know if he wants to talk about his problems…so i don’t want to push and ask questions if he doesn’t want to talk. I also don’t want to become boring to him….i am not that exciting of a person. I also don’t want him to become bored with me sexually…obviously not my strong suite in life.

He also has a blog Click me and is not a chicken like me and he has given me his URL so I can follow him…I have not given him this address, although he accidentally stumbled upon and says he did away with it because I asked him not to look. he wrote a post about me and it made me soo happy. He is such a sweetheart. I just have this block up and I feel like I shouldn’t be happy…why should I when the ex is so hurt by what I did.

ughhh the whole ex problem…enough said about that.

I need serenity in my life right now. I feel as if I might be complaining far too much, there are so many people with valid concerns about their lives(ie. not having enough money to buy food, homeless, teenage pregnancies, spousal beatings, etc.) and I am only bitching about things that I am fortunate enough to have(ie. schooling, a job, people who love me(the ex), friends)

This is when I miss the ex the most…I want someone to sleep with tonight, I want someone to talk to(even if he never listened….probably quite valid considering I just rambled and bitched about stuff that is of no significance)

The eff word and CAPS LOCK

So the ex came over last night, he has been asking to hang out for a couple days now. To be honest I was kind of scared when he came over(he used to be very physical with me, especially when he was drunk and not happy about something) I didn’t know what his intentions were; if he was going to blow up or try to be nice to me. This is the type of mindfucking he has been doing to me since November, so I wouldn’t put it past him. I told him about gman a while back and I think it is sinking in and he is scared? I don’t know what else to think. So he came over and brought the dog so I could see him. first off he was trying to hug me and rub my leg. WHAT THE FUCK. I asked him to stop multiple times and told him if he was going to do these things we could not EVER hang out. I don’t know what has gotten into him, I just don’t understand why he is acting like this. I went to take the dog outside and play with him for a minute. When I came back in he was on my fucking computer….WHAT THE FUCK. on my desktop I have a couple of pictures from tumblr, mostly sex-ish images. I also had a word document up that was written by gman, nothing bad, just saying thanks for letting him stay over….he read that. WHAT THE FUCK. He called me a freak and asked me what kind of freaky shit I was into now(since I had those pictures) he also saw a word document that I had that’s entitled “Blog ideas”, he wanted to know where my blog was and he wanted to read it…..yeah fuck you buddy, not a chance in hell. He told me I must write about all the sex I must be having on this blog of mine, I just kept quiet because I do not want to antagonize him or the situation, which makes him even more mad and he starts talking more shit about me. Oh well..what am I to do.

We have since decided apparently we can’t even be friends right now. I can’t deal with him and his unpredictability.