Is chivalry dead?

Someone who opens doors for others,

who puts the comfort of others before theirs,

who compliments you for absolutely no reason,

who does not abuse nor tolerate abuse especially towards women,

who might disagree with others but respects the opinions of others,

who does not have to have the most expensive clothes but is still clean and well dressed,

who is faithful and trustworthy,

who will listen , truly listen,

who does not judge.

I want a gentleman in my life. I want someone that I am excited to introduce to my parents, someone who I know will impress them! I want a gentleman who will offer to pay for lunch when we go out with them, who will hold the door open for us, someone who will get my mom flowers when they first meet her. I feel as if I might live in some imaginative fairy tale land. I am veryyyyyy old school when it comes to dating. I will NEVER ask a guy out first, I will never invite myself over to their place, I expect the guy to pay if he asks me to go out somewhere (after we start “dating” that is VERY different and I think it should be equal, but not in the beginning) It sounds kind of odd but when we enter a restaurant I expect the guy to tell the hostess how many in our party and if we want smoking or not. I love it when a guy “steps up” and handles those situations. I feel as if that is his place to do these simple things. Again, my idea of these “perfect” gentleman might be completely  misconstrued, but i want these things…there has to be someone, somewhere that can give me these things…

I miss the ex a lot tonight. I get into these bouts of depression and I hate it that I don’t have anything that I used to have. friends, my dog, my best friend, boyfriend. He mind fucks me so much I just don’t know what to think/ how to handle this. I know I wont be going back to him anytime soon, I know we wont be getting back together and I know this is best for me right now, but it sucks. It reallllly sucks.

I miss him being around the house and playing music loud and making his beats, I miss someone sleeping next to me every night, I miss seeing his face, I miss us being goofy together, I miss him making fun of me for the silly stuff that I do, I miss being able to count on someone no matter when, where, what time, I miss his family, I miss my family, I miss the idea of us, I miss the happiness I had.

On that depressing note and onto a not so depressing one…I ordered a uconn and loves them and anything that involves them…so I just got him this t shirt that I thought/realllllly hope he likes! I got it for Valentines day, that is if we even do anything for it. if not Ill just give it to him for being super nice to me and because I want to!

So we were talking the other night about taking a trip up to New York for a couple of days because both of us have a lot of vacation time that we can use at work. anywho he mentioned on the way going to see his family in CT. totally fine, I know how much he misses his family and it would be super fucked up if we went to NY and he didn’t even get to see them. but ohmyjesuschristonacross does that freak me out! I will need a SERIOUS xanax script to get me through that time, and I’m not even joking. I am having a panic attack just thinking about it. I want to meet his family, but what the hellll. We are not dating, what are his parents going to think? some random girl from South Carolina who says ma’am and sir constantly and might sound a little funny is up here with my precious boy and they aren’t even dating, THAT DEVIL BITCH!!!

I like gman a lot, as we know, as i say every goddamned post. I feel as if this whole post might hint toward something otherwise, but it doesn’t, this is just what was on my mind….thats it, no direction implied..I hope everything works out. I hope his friends like me, I feel as if I am coming reallly close to meeting some of them, and I am so scared.

Definitely girl on girl

After class when all the other students and the professor leave, its only me and you left. I push you up against the wall and start to kiss you deeply, my hand grasping the outside of your shirt on your breasts. This moment has been on my mind for some time now. I unbutton your shirt and feel your bare breasts on my  hands. I rub my hands up and down your naked chest and stomach. Starting to kiss and massage your  glistening body, I can feel myself becoming so wet. I can feel your hot breath on my neck and back as you kiss me and nibble on my ear. Your long dark hair and oh so sexy lip ring turn me on so much, you face is so mysterious and your body is so perfect. Your pants unzipped and my shirt off now, you know what I want and you want too. As I pull off your pants I can feel your warm wet pussy from the outside of your panties. Your hand glides from my stomach to the bare skin on my thighs. I kiss your neck and whisper in your ear that there’s only one thing missing. I lead you over to the professors desk and lay you down on top of it. At the desk there is a man sitting, watching, and waiting for his time to join in. He loves to watch me pleasure other girls. I spread your legs apart and start kissing the inside of your thighs while caressing your breasts. I breath hard and my hot breath against your vagina makes you dripping wet and wanting more. I start to lick the outside of your wet pussy and put my fingers inside you. As I push my fingers deeper inside you, you let out a series of moans. I pull my friend over to help pleasure you even more, he starts to rub your breasts while I’m still sucking and tasting your pussy. I move up to kiss you and see your sexy body laying helpless on the professors desk. I sit on the edge of the chair and you move your hands toward my body. You move off the desk and get on your knees in front of me. Your hands are moving up, down and all around my naked body. You move towards my pussy and start to play around the outside and around my thighs. I pull the man over and he sits on the desk, unzipping his pants I can feel his hard throbbing penis waiting to get out. I rub along the outside of his legs and stomach. I grab his cock and place the tip of it on my tongue, licking around and massaging the shaft with my hand. As you begin to lick my pussy, I get a tighter grip on his cock and pull it deeper. With his cock in my mouth and you licking my pussy, I am so wet and horny. I suck his cock until he cant take it anymore and is begging to put it inside me. He pulls me up from the chair and puts me on the ground, on all fours, I ask you to come lay under me so I can lick your pussy while Im getting fucked. He slaps my ass as he fucks me from behind.

Girl on girl perhaps?

As you can see from the previous entry, I am a Steelers fan!! and I am absolutely overrun with joy that they beat the jets and are now going to the one and only SUPERBOWL!! WOOT WOOT!!

No news on the ex at the moment. We haven’t talked in days, and sometimes I really miss a lot of things about him, but it seems to get easier and easier as time goes by. I think I miss the idea of being comfortable with/around him and his family, I don”t think I miss the whole idea of us being together. There are many nights when I am upset because I am alone and ask myself if I made the right decision. I can’t want to be with him because he is in my comfort zone, I need to want to be with him because I want to and I am in love with him. (wow have fun reading that one and understanding it)…That just isn’t the case, so when I logically think about it, I did make the right decision. 🙂

 

In class today(neurobiology–my most favorite class of them all), I noticed this girl. She has dark brown/black hair, a lip ring(studded not circular), and she is very petite. She really got my attention and for the duration of class I could do nothing but stare at her. she is gorgeous. I have never been with a girl or had tendencies to be with a girl(besides wanting to have a threesome, which the idea is fun for everyone! 🙂 ). I have no clue what is going on in my head. Literally  just looking at her turned me on. I don’t even know how to handle this. I know I’m not a lesbian, I love penis waaaaay to much!! I have conlcuded that I am going to sit by her next class and strike up a conversation and see where it goes from there.

 

Then it all sets in as I’m walking from class to my car. I don’t know how to do anything with another girl. I don’t know how to finger a girl, I don’t know how to touch her, I mean I guess I do it to myself so it would basically be the same thing, but that’s a weird thought to have. The vagina is such a weird thing. I don’t really even like my own vagina…how could I touch and play with someone else’s?!

I got my package from the sex store that I ordered from! The outfit was not as cute in person as it was on the computer screen…that’s ok, Ill work with it though. This is another awkward thing for me. I can’t wait to wear it for him, how do I put it on? what do I do when I put it on, I’m not comfortable with the idea of role playing, although I’m sure he would make it comfy and easy. hmmm I just don’t know. I will have to let you know how this all plays out.

 

Also I went to the Aluminum Show with gman this weekend. It was fun, we went to dinner afterward and then back to his place. It was fun. The Aluminum show was a blast, if you have the chance to do it, I recommend it! It’s definitely different than anything I have done. When cirque de solieu(not sure how to spell that exactly :/) comes to Charleston, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to go. We’ll see!

 

Im going to goo look up some stuff about my lesbian tendencies.

STEELERS!!!!!

I might be a little intoxicated at the moment. Steelers just won! I am sooooo stoked!!!!

I had sex last night with gman, and it was awesome. No rug burn this time but it was still amazing. We tried some condom from Trojan, some kind of ribbed something or another. I have come to the conclusion that I do not like condoms. He took it off mid sex because it just feels sooo much better without it.

He is on his way to stay at my house for the first time, I can’t wait! I love being with him. He makes me soo happy!

this is obviiously old…I kept it as a draft for far tooo long.

I want….

so this will be a completely narcissistic post about what I want in my life….right now.

I want…..

To be happy

People to stop talking shit about me and my life decisions. I got yet another phone call today about how shitty of a person I am. :/

To finish my undergrad

To get my dog back (This is the one that I truly want the most right now. The ex has the dog and I am probably never going to get him back.)

Buy a T.V for my room and use the mount that I purchased Black Friday to hang it on the wall.

To have an orgasm with g-man. I have done it alone about 2 times, but I just cant seem to do it with him. It’s definitely not due to a lack of pleasure though.

To move to a country where they speak Spanish so I can improve my skills

Home-made cookies

To be able to watch CSI or Law and Order shows at night when I am home alone without getting scared 🙂

To hit my quota at work this month so I can get a decent paycheck. Money stresses me out all the time. It shouldn’t, but especially now since I don’t have someone there to split the cost of rent and utilities.

Sex

New living room furniture

Sex swing

Some beautiful jewelry

To get good grades in my classes this semester (and by good I mean A’s and B’s) school is very important to me, and last semester because of work and my lack of time management skills I fell off a little bit. I learned sooo much but it just wasn’t represented on the tests. 😦

To start going to the gym again, at least 4 times a week.

 

That’s it for now. I know I want more things but I must be conservative and I cant think of anything else!!

Am I that hard to please? I don’t think so. 🙂

 

I am thinking about Valentine’s Day coming up (I know, its super far away, but this is what my mind does…constantly thinking), and this year it’s going to suck 😦 I know I will be alone, and I would not dare talk to g-man about doing something that day…I don’t want to freak him out and I’m pretty sure Valentine’s Day is like a sacred love holiday(?) Although I would really love to do something with him…I don’t want to be hopeful. And plus if we did do something I would feel obligated to get him something…and I have NO fucking clue what to get him. I don’t even know what we are. I guess good friends? good friends who have sex? Is this a friends with benefits situation that I have heard so many of my friends talk about?? Am I that girl?!?! Oh My God.

In the past when I was with the Ex it wasn’t like we did anything on Valentine’s Day and he never even got me anything, so I guess I don’t know what I am unhappy about. I just want someone to want me I guess. :-/ I want someone to be excited about hanging out with me. I want someone that randomly gets me things(nothing expensive, i’m not picky or hard to please). I’m talking candy bar status. I WANT SOMEONE TO BE NICE TO ME FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON AT ALL!!!

I have never received flowers from anyone but my father. (Ok so I lied a little, The ex gave me flowers on my 21st birthday and that’s it.) Is that superficial to want flowers? I’m not asking for a $100 bouquet. If they are hand picked and tied together with fishing line…that would be ok with me!!

 

It’s the thought that counts and the little things that matter to me.

 

Maybe I am too much of a girl, maybe there is no such thing as guys who do these things. Maybe I am asking for too much. Maybe I will never find what I want. Maybe I will. Maybe I don’t even know what I want.

 

If I had the chance to move away right now, I would do it. I want to take a boat….to the end of the world.(I’m listening to dmb as I ramble and just write what pops into my head)

 

My posts will get not so emo soon…I swear. The last couple of months have been kind of difficult for me, and I am trying to snap out of it!! I am working on it! 🙂

 

F.Y.I. I would marry Dave Matthews, Jack Johnson or John Mayer in a skinny little minute if I had the chance!!!

Im. obsessed. with. jack. johnson

I have been on a Jack Johnson kick for, oh I don’t know, a week now!

Jack Johnson

SOOO as happy and positive I am trying to be right now, its hard. I think this would be an appropriate time for some housekeeping.

The ex and I dated for 5 1/2 years as I said before. He was my best friend for probably 3 years before we even started dating. All of our friends were/still are mutual. this makes it sooo tough to move on and makes it even worse to talk to old friends about the situation. Yes, but if they are true friends it shouldn’t matter that y’all are broken up….blah blah blah. I have heard it and its not fucking true. It still does matter, people still take sides and its NOT fair. because I initiated the break up I’m the bad guy. I’m ok with being the bad guy, as long as I did something bad. I don’t think I did anything wrong….I just wanted space. I just wanted to grow up a little on my own. without the security blanket I have been carrying for almost 8 years.

I still love him. Alot. Like whatever he wanted me to do I would do it for him. Its not the kind of love for an intimate relationship, its more like a best friend love.  there is no sexual attraction there and really hasn’t been for some time now. Sex was never a big thing between us and it felt like an obligation when I was with him. everything we did, it was for him…and I was ok with that. I didnt know that women were supposed to get pleasure out of sex….weird I know right. what kind of fucking sheltered life have I been living. the southern life i suppose. I feel terrible talking about him like this, but it has been on my mind, and he will never see this nor will anyone who knows him. oh and also I saw on his fb that he has a new “girl-friend”…just a friend that’s a girl that he apparently likes…they aren’t dating. And I am ok with that. I guess that a sign that there is nothing between us anymore. I feel bad, I feel like I should hate her and hate him for that. I feel like that should make me extremely jealous…does this make me non-human for not being jealous?? I feel territorial a bit over him and at first I wanted to flip my shit and call and bitch him out. then i realized….im ok with this. What is wrong with me?

jho(an old best friend of mine) has been trying to contact me lately and I am sooo over it. She used to use heroin (and probably still does) and i try to be there for her, and i have wasted so much time and energy into trying to help her get better in the past. I feel like its my responsibility to help her. she was my best friend for 5-ish years. I FUCKING HATE HEROIN!!! It has ruined 2 of my friendships(jho and ash tray—we were like 3 peas in a pod) in the past and killed one of my friends. for the record I have NEVER used heroin and never ever ever want to use it. I look back at some of the pictures from times when we were hanging out and it makes me so depressed. I wish I could go back to those times and stay there…just freeze time. we didnt have jobs, bills, drama, worries. we just hung out and loved each other.

I dont want to grow up!!

on a slightly lighter note; Verizon is getting the iPhone. HOORAY!! I actually don’t give a shit about the iPhone itself, I just want to start bringing in the dough that will come from those wealthy AT&T users who so desperately want a better network and need to keep their, oh so precious, iPhones!

On a wonderfully much lighter note. I stayed at g-man’s house last night. we both had an opening shift at work today and wanted to watch a movie last night. I feel like I can be an absolute goof when I’m with him. I feel like he wont mind or judge me. I am a goof, I like to have fun and just be silly. so we watched The Town last night and it was awesome. I love bank robbery movies. so in the middle of the movie, his new roomie (girl from Connecticut that he went to school with, shes trying to move down here and needs a place to stay for a while until she can get on her feet) left to take a call upstairs. She was on the phone for a while, so g-man and i started listening to music, talking, bull-shitting. then we went to bed. the end

hahah just kidding. well we went to bed and we got these new condoms(since I dont want to have babies) and it is a trojan combo pack! Fucking score! there are 4 different kinds and 2 of each kind…which basically means you can try them out!! 2X! so we had sex and it was awesome. (also with the ex, he literally lasted about hmmm 2 minutes, then it was over…and if i gave him a blow job before hand, forget about it, it was like 30 seconds) we used the fire and ice condom, and it felt just like the description. I also got rug burn on my toes. :-/ really not sure how that happened, but it hurts when I put shoes on! haha

Thalamus, LGN, Lateral Ventricles

School started back last week and today was the first day I actually went. I had the flu last week and i missed a ton of work and the first 2 days of classes. school seems hopeful and I am excited to have some structure in my life. I am taking a neurobiology course and I am soo intrigued by the brain and all its structures, this class is going to kick my ass.

I went this website that G-man showed to me and I ordered an outfit(a sexy secretary outfit), massaging lotion and a garter. I am soooo excited to wear it for him.

I really fucking like this guy and cant stand the fact that his ex is still in his life. I need to show more compassion towards his situation…but its so difficult. I want to not be that jealous girl.

G-man is from Connecticut, so he really isn’t my ideal southern gentleman, but I surprisingly like him anyways. I have always envisioned guys who open doors for me, woe me with flowers and nice compliments, take me out to nice places, say y’all, aren’t afraid to get down and dirty, etc, etc. He is extremely nice to me and compliments me all the time and we haven’t really had time/ the situation hasn’t been ideal to go out, but I’m sure he would take me out to nice places if he could. he makes fun of (all in good fun) me for the “southern” words that I say, and come to find out hes not much of an outdoors man. I can deal with all these things, I like these things about him…i actually love these things about him.

I am afraid to really like him. I don’t know what to do in this situation. I have never dated anyone except the boyfriend I have had since my freshman year of high school….I don’t know how to act!!!!

no good sex stories….just yet 😉

Schizophrenia

Soooo I’m feeling a bit schizo at the moment.

After leaving work today (which was not as terrible as it has been lately), I went to eat with some coworkers at this buffet joint….this guy that I work with and I’m into at the moment decided not to come out with us, which bummed me out because I like the hang out with him. so afterwards I am texting him about his plans, trying to hint towards the fact that I wanted to hang out and he says that his ex has to bring over their dog (they have this split custody thing with their dog….weird…I know right…but it works for them), fine no big deal, what I don’t get is…uggghh forget it…. Anywho, we are not “dating”, so I cant exactly be mad or upset about it.

On a lighter note, I have just discovered a blog by some blonde chick who lives in cali, she writes about the sexcapades in her life and she is sooo damn empowering. I have always been very awkward for me to talk about sex and anything having to do with sex….I am working on it.

So sex with the ex was a bit dull and routine. sex with this new guy lets call him G-Man (he is a Giants fan and I cant seem to come up with any other nickname for him) is great!! He does this thing with his fingers and its pure bliss. I really like him and love to hang out with him. I don’t want to over-do it and mess anything up. The best part about him is that he is so open to new things while having sex and he makes it easy to talk about.

blog #2 complete and I am already feeling a little bit better about life right now, even if no one EVER reads this, I like the feeling of letting this all go….into cyberspace…

Gallery

Life and Sex

First post….blog….hmmm

The whole concept of blogs have seemed kind of odd to me, possibly because I knew absolutely nothing about them. So I guess I just talk about life and things others might find interesting. I can do that.

Something quick…I just got out of a relationship with a boyfriend that I have been with for 6 years. Mind you I am only 21, therefore I have spent almost a third of my life with this boy. I never knew anything outside of him. I never even imagined anything else…until someone else came along. :/ This other person…..is basically amazing.

In this blog I want to open up about sex and relationships. Being with the same person for 6 years and doggie style being the highlight of my sex life is a little disappointing.